Life is so crazy. I don’t even know the difference between right and wrong it seems. It’s been two weeks since I last SIed, but in my head I’ve broken numerous times. See, thats the thing, my head goes crazy. I try and I try to just forget, to just live life, but either my head brings it up, the thoughts come back or someone else brings it up, usually my parents. I’m sick of it. I’m also sick of the arguing. I probably argue every day with my parents, and I hate it. And the arguing is often what triggers me, so I tell my parents, go away, this is making it worse, but they don’t and then it takes so much will power, so much to not SI.

Where is my faith in all this? I’m not even really sure. I’ve lost touch with reality, lost touch with who I am. And as I get ‘better’ it all just seems to get worse. But I know if I go back to SI for real, I will lose myself, I will fall into the darkness completely. I’m scared, so scared that will happen. So yes, I’m scared that, I won’t think, and I’ll give in to what people tell me not to do, to what I tell people not to do, I will give into, the end… I know that’s pretty dramatic, but honestly, there has been a couple of days where I literally had to come up with the reasons not to, I had to push away the different ways. I have to push away the thought of slipping away forever.

Like I said, I’m lost. This doesn’t even sound like me. Or, the old me, but then again, I guess I’m a different person, I’ve changed.

I know I have to hold on to what I do have, to the hope I do have, the love I do have, the faith I do have… But sometimes it’s so hard to. Sometimes it’s so easy to just forget it all and to dwell on the dark thoughts. What’s wrong with me, and why can’t I shake this off? I’m so lost…

Sorry, this got kinda long…