sometimes i wish i knew what triggerd me. yesterday my day was great. i hung out with one of my best friends before work, and another good friend hung out with me at work all day. so i wasnt alone at all. i went to to the gym, had a great talk with my personal trainer making me feel alot better about the path im on to getting healthier, and i get home and all i want to do is SI. part of it i knew was i wore a tank top all day yesterday. and since i forgot to bring a change of shirt for the gym, my scars that i always cover were exposed. i could tell he kept glancing at my arms, and he NEVER asks to check my pulse, yesterday hes like “give me your arm” and of course im freaking out, so i do. i can tell he knows, or he suspects it, but i cant and dont want to be honest with him. that shouldnt make me want to SI. it should make me NOT want to si, so i cause less scaring, not more! i feel like im crazy wanting to SI. i know im not, i know its an addiction that i need to overcome. i just cant. maybe i dont want to?
i love the weather today. its dark and rainy. i wish it was like this, or at least cold, like sunny weather but cold. when i can cover up im more confident. cuz no one knows what im hiding. its been years since i SIed in a visible area, but whats left is permanent and everyone can see in the summer. i wish i had the money and the personal power to get surgury to get them removed. but i dont. i think if i even had the money for it, i couldnt part with it. if thats not what makes me… me… if the scars are gone… who am i?
wow im rambling now. ill go
You aren’t rambling… thanks for posting this. 🙂
I know what you mean about the scars. “…i couldnt part with it. if thats not what makes me… me… if the scars are gone… who am i?” I totally relate to this. I know about needing and wanting to overcome this addiction but sometimes thinking you don’t want to. But think about the pain it adds to your life, and there will always be a part of you wanting to leave it behind. Just some days it’s stronger, and some days it’s weaker, but that strength is always there.
I think that maybe your trainer possibly seeing your scars could have triggered you because it’s scary. It’s scary for people to see. I know this because I am a dancer, and we have to wear specific clothes. I know that fear. But if you trust him, maybe it will be a good thing if he figures it out.
Just some thoughts… hope this helps. 🙂
Staystrong
thanks =] its so much easier knowing im not alone on these thoughts. sometimes i hate thinking im the only one who suffers with these thoughts.
even if the scars are gone youll always remember how far youve gotten and how trying to push through life has made you a better person (hopefuly lolz) dont doubt who you are believe in yourself make it through ok??