sometimes i wish i knew what triggerd me.  yesterday my day was great. i hung out with one of my best friends before work, and another good friend hung out with me at work all day. so i wasnt alone at all.  i went to to the gym, had a great talk with my personal trainer making me feel alot better about the path im on to getting healthier, and i get home and all i want to do is SI.  part of it i knew was i wore a tank top all day yesterday.  and since i forgot to bring a change of shirt for the gym, my scars that i always cover were exposed.  i  could tell he kept glancing at my arms, and he NEVER asks to check my pulse, yesterday hes like “give me your arm” and of course im freaking out, so i do. i can tell he knows, or he suspects it, but i cant and dont want to be honest with him.  that shouldnt make me want to SI. it should make me NOT want to si, so i cause less scaring, not more!  i feel like im crazy wanting to SI. i know im not, i know its an addiction that i need to overcome. i just cant.  maybe i dont want to?

i love the weather today.  its dark and rainy. i wish it was like this, or at least cold, like sunny weather but cold. when i can cover up  im more confident. cuz no one knows what im hiding. its been years since i SIed in a visible area, but whats left is permanent and everyone can see in the summer. i wish i had the money and the personal power to get surgury to get them removed.  but i dont. i think if i even had the money for it, i couldnt part with it.  if thats not what makes me… me… if the scars are gone… who am i?

wow im rambling now. ill go