Self-injured this morning.  Its been SO much worse lately. I’ve been having panic attacks practically every time I have to leave the house (at least, teh counselor thinks that’s what they are). I had a really bad one at work about a year ago, when I was working at a buffet and it was really crowded. Since then, on bad days, just the thought of leaving my house and going somewhere crowded will trigger me. And most days are bad days lately. I don’t work anymore and I’ve been missing more classes in school than I’ve been attending.

I only seem to SI during these attacks though, so if I can get rid of them maybe I’ll start doing better again. I’m seeing a doctor later this week for a diagnosis and probably to start medication for it. Currently not taking any kind of meds at all. The thought of it really frightens me. I’m afraid it won’t help and I’ll just end up burrowing deeper into this little hole I’ve dug for myself. Or that it will just make me feel worse. I’m really starting to feel hopeless about this whole panic thing & I haven’t even really gotten help with it yet. I know something needs to change, but change just seems impossible. I’ve been trying to change this problem for years. I’m not getting anywhere.