Soo… I haven’t injured in a couple months I guess. I lost count… But it’s been a while. I don’t really feel urges anymore. But I still want it so bad. No matter what I’m doing the thought of it is always in the back of my mind… Sometimes my scars are obvious and I’m afraid everyone notices and they want to know why. I don’t want to tell anyone… last time I confided in someone looking for help it ended in rumors going around… My church… That my parents were abusing me. That’s so far far far from the truth I don’t even know where it came from. And the sad part is, I confided in a leader. So I don’t feel like I can trust anyone now. I’m not “attending” that church anymore. Because of my parents I still have to go to church. It’s just a different one now. But I like this one. It’s just… I am so scared to trust anyone. I want so badly to trust someone. To feel like this is going to end, that I can kiss it good bye. But that’s just not working out for me. 🙁 Injuring isn’t apart of me anymore, but at the same time I cannot let it go no matter how hard I try. It’s weighing me down and preventing me to move on. Why can’t I let it go? I really want to trust someone, but I’m so scared to! I’m so so so scared that everything will end.. horribly! I can’t take this. 🙁 I still want it, I want it so very badly right now. But it’s warm, I can’t hide my scars. What will happen if I did? I know it’s bad, but it feels good. I know I’m rambling… I just can’t think straight. I want so badly to let this go, but I can’t.
I just… can’t.