I feel so very little these days. Even when I SI, there is no emotion. Right now it’s not something I have to do, its just something I do. I think about it a lot but I have no feeling about it. Well, I guess that’s not totally true – I feel like I’m too old to be doing this stuff. I wish I could say it’s something you outgrow but you don’t. I’m 32 and the thought never goes away; its always there in the back of my mind. I can’t tell any one cause no one understands. I mean this is a teenager thing right?!? Well, no it’s not. It’s a life time thing – something you will always deal with and think about when things get difficult or out of control in your life. Sometimes I do really well and there have been years I have gone with out SIing. But here it is again, for the third weekend in a row and I feel so lost. I feel like a joke, like someone who’s pretending to be something they’re not. I go to work and come home – do nothing on the weekends. You call that life?? Ha! What a joke! I’m a joke, a lie and no one knows and no one sees. Why can’t they see that I’m hurting, that I am aching to feel something, anything? The emptiness never goes away.