I feel so very little these days. Even when I SI, there is no emotion. Right now it’s not something I have to do, its just something I do. I think about it a lot but I have no feeling about it. Well, I guess that’s not totally true – I feel like I’m too old to be doing this stuff. I wish I could say it’s something you outgrow but you don’t. I’m 32 and the thought never goes away; its always there in the back of my mind. I can’t tell any one cause no one understands. I mean this is a teenager thing right?!? Well, no it’s not. It’s a life time thing – something you will always deal with and think about when things get difficult or out of control in your life. Sometimes I do really well and there have been years I have gone with out SIing. But here it is again, for the third weekend in a row and I feel so lost. I feel like a joke, like someone who’s pretending to be something they’re not. I go to work and come home – do nothing on the weekends. You call that life?? Ha! What a joke! I’m a joke, a lie and no one knows and no one sees. Why can’t they see that I’m hurting, that I am aching to feel something, anything? The emptiness never goes away.
Hi. I’m sorry things are so difficult right now. The good thing is that you chose to come here and write about what’s going on – that is a wonderful start. As someone who has worked in the S.A.F.E. Alternatives for several years now, I can tell you that self injury is NOT only a problem for adolescents. The oldest person to go through our program was 75 years old, and that person did a wonderful job. You are not alone in being an adult who injures.
What if you make an effort to talk to one person and let them know you’re hurting? Have you tried that? I’m not saying you have to tell them your life story right away – but what if you took a step and chose someone you find trustworthy to tell that you are hurting? If you hide behind a mask and keep your feelings to yourself, it makes it hard for people to know you need help. Perhaps you’ve tried this, and I apologize if I’m repeating things you’ve heard before.
You’re not a joke, you’re a person who is going through a hard time. You can get through this.
Pam
If you don’t mind me asking.. How old were you when you started?
As a teenager I realize how much of a teen age thing it seems like. When I first started at 12 I didn’t know anyone else that did it and many of my friends that found out knew nothing about SI. Now it’s like in every class I know of atleast one other person that SI’s. It sort of makes me mad when other teenagers make it seem like a trend and then media sees it that way. Wow, I’m rambling and not getting to my point really.
I guess what I really wanted to say is that I always wonder if this will follow me to adulthood. Even if I stop, will i really always think about it? (that’s rehtorical) You gave me some insight and some more reason to stop now at 17 so when I’m 32 maybe it’ll be easier for me. Hang in there love. You can make it through this.
Hi,
I am 27 and feel like I am sometimes “too old” to be still thinking about SI. Although I did start when I was about 13 or so, I still never thought that as an independent adult with multiple degrees (including one in psychology) and a decent career, would be struggling everyday with the thoughts of SI. It is definitely not something I am outgrowing. Instead of focusing on that, I am focusing on healing, and trying to overcome the desire and need to SI through therapy, better tools, etc…
I can also relate to the whole just going to work, not doing anything on the weekend, etc. It is tough, and gets incredibly lonely which certainly doesn’t help with the SI, but sometimes, stepping out of your comfort zone just a bit to reach out to someone, make a friend, or join a group can be very helpful.
Life is always worth living and there are things to enjoy. I may be only 27, but I feel like I have been to hell and back, and never thought I would ever say things like “there are things to enjoy, etc”.
But sometimes things do have a way of working out…it may just take more time to get there then we would like. You are not a joke. You are just living life the best way you know how at the moment, and sometimes that is all anyone can do. Hang in there, and reach out to someone if you can.
You always have support here.
I was 17 when I started doing SI and a junior or senior in High School. My parents found out and threatened to put me in a hospital so I got better at hiding it till I went away to college. College was bad for a year and then it was great! The thoughts do go away – there have been months where I haven’t thought about SI at all. There have been times when I honestly believed I was happy. After college I hit rock bottom, started crying one night and couldn’t stop. Finally got diagnosed with depression and have been on medication ever since.
I love this website and am so thankful I found it. I read what people write and it makes me feel like I’m not totally alone. I did tell my best friend today that I was doing SI, her response was “oh you’re doing that again?” Then she changed the topic. I don’t know anyone personally in my life that has ever done SI and even though I have this website I feel like no one understands. I’ve seen a therapist before and it didn’t really help. I don’t feel comfortable talking to my doctor and my parents would FLIP. Why can’t I just be happy? Why does it come so easily to some and not others?
no matter how expierinced you may think you are you need help so find some your old enough to know when to ask for a helping hand and youve obviously waited to long!…..