I’m new to this site. I’ve been self injuring myself in multiple ways for years. I’m the typical overachiever, straight As, gifted and honor student, “popular,” an actress, and I’ve been a dancer for twelve years. My dancing has been salvation and horror, it’s where I met my best friends but it’s also been the hardest to hide my habits. I break the stereotypical mold because I’m an atheist born to strict religious Sunday school teachers and I live in a small farm town. I carried my burdens alone for many years, concealing it from my social working mom and my friends. I didn’t let anyone in to see the real me because I was afraid. I guess I have trust issues because I was bullied by friends in the sixth grade and was forced to transfer classes because of it. Last summer I confided in four friends. One was a fellow injurer, the first I had ever met. That summer was the worst time of my life. I felt like I could never escape, I didn’t sleep, I just injured all the time. I ruined my image to many people with drinking which makes me sad. Things got a little better when I entered the new school year, I felt like I was starting over. I didn’t injure for a long time. Then ‘it’ hit me again and I was down, all I was doing was injuring and I removed myself from my friends. Little did I know that two of them became injurers in that time. All of that was my fault, I caused them to be that way. I deal with that guilt everyday of my life. My habits grew so bad that the one friend who I hadn’t hurt told me that if I didn’t talk to an adult then she would tell on me. I forced myself to go to a teacher and I let it all go. It was messy, I cried and was sick, and she informed me that she would have to tell the guidance counselors. I begged her not to because my mom was friends with all of them. She settled with the nurse. The nurse promptly called me to her office and it was the most embarrassing moment of my life. She had hated me even before it. She said that she would need to talk to my parents to ensure that I was getting help. Since I was forced to tell them, I wrote them a letter. Of course my controlling since birth parents believed it was all their fault, forcing me to live with that guilt and no trust forever. My mom forced me into therapy, where I did two sessions and never went back. I can’t talk about feelings, not even with friends. I convinced my mom that I was better and she never took me back again. Things got better. That teacher I told, explained to me that because I was so passionate about everything that I compensate with these horrible lows. that is how my friends refer to my emotional states: up, down, or coasting. When I’m up, it’s like a perpetual high and when I’m down I freak out. I blame my friends and tell them I never want to see them again. I don’t know if it’s because I want to see who cares enough to chase after me or if it’s because no one feels as intensely as me and i know they can never relate. The worst though is coasting, I can’t stand being numb so much that I even prefer being down. I was clean for a while… That didn’t last long. Last week I absolutely ruined things with my best guy friend (one I caused to SI). We can never patch it up and it causes me so much pain. I injured and broke my coasting cycle much to my disappointment and relief. I freaked out on my other friends again. They just will never understand. I have also never had a relationship, never been kissed, and I hate hugs. My mom would always ask if someone had hurt me but now I have begun to wonder. I have no memory of my life before 10th grade. It makes me feel even more shame and guilt. I absolutely hate myself. I joined here because I wanted to know if others felt the same way as me and because I think it would be helpful to get my story out. But ultimately I think i need support from people who understand.