First, my heartdrops. To the deep end of my stomach. I can’t even feel it anymore. It’s like I’m already dead. Walking on this earth still just to prove I can live a life in pain. Like their is no point in this useless life anymore. I live in the thoughts that he doesn’t want me or that he didn’t love me at all. The only exact moment I’m guarenteed I still have a heart is whenthe ritual begins. I realize I am alone, and all I can do is think. Think about my future. Think about how I don’t have anyone anymore. Think about.. about.. how I don’t have him anymore. Then it starts racing. Racing and it can’t stop! It won’t stop! My pain, it goes on and on and on… My hands, oh they start shaking. And I’m fighting for a way for them to stop. And I try to think to myself, “It’s ok. It’s ok Maddi. STOP”. But it’s never really is ok. Is it? Then, usually, the tears start to come. But this ritual is getting worse. I can’t even cry anymore. I’ve cried so much that I don’t have any tears left to come out. Then the last thing, SI. I start to feel myself breathing again. I’m relaxed. In my own world, I’m better. I get up, take my walk with my dog, visit my horse, and just breathe. Then I look up at the stars, and memories start hitting me. And my ritual starts all over.
Am I crazy? I wish there was a way to remove of all feelings, emotions, and memories. Couldn’t that solve all of our problems? In my head I’m thinking of ways to remove memories. They are the sweat things in my head I want to destroy. They are haunting me. If anyone has information for that I’d be so thankful. Even if it helps though.. I’ll always have my dreams. They are the worst way of giving me flashbacks. I’ve been having so many fears of what I will decide this Thursday. I’m going to a concert and I know all of the temptations are there. Boys and drinks. My worst of fears. I don’t want to be that girl I used to be.
I want my savior back. The one person I know can save me. I want to be whole again. I want to laugh and smile again without faking it. What will become of me? How will my choices work out? How will the consequences effect me? Will I survive..
“I had no illusions about love anymore. It came, it went, it left casualties or it didn’t. People weren’t meant to be together forever, regardless of what the songs say.” -Sarah Dessen The Truth About Forever