well yeah i am.
Yesterday was a rough day, to say the lease. It was going alright, and then one thing after another: xboyfriend, bad grades, drama with friends, lack of friends, my english teacher calling me a bword, and a whale, failing a very important test in my history class.. ect.
This is where it gets sticky. I stayed after school to take a test (yes, this is the one that i failed). After the test, my mom picked me up and told some news about my dad on the way home. When we got home she noted that I needed to be really nice to my dad and make sure i supported him. If you have read my previous posts, you will know that I have a lot of anger towards my father. as much as i try hard not too.. i cant help it. I began to get upset, and lied to my mom that I forgot something at school just so i didnt have to stay at home. These get away drives have been happeneing a lot more. Anyway I drove to school, started crying, and went in and headed to my locker. (it was like 5:30ish.. no one was in the building). I passed my histroy teacher on the way in and he asked me why i came back to school.. I just said that I didnt want to be at home. He asked me what was wrong and i gave a frusturated smile.. i didnt even know where to start. that has been happening all the time. I just dont know how to answer.
So after I stayed at school a bit and then came back home, I got on my laptop, surprised to see an IM from an ex-boyrfriend. Its been sixth months since we even spoke. Anyways, long story short, we both still like eachother and he said that he wanted to patch things up. I hate guy drama because I have enough to worry about without these things. I have tried to hard to get over him though. and he managed to take everything i had worked so hard at in like 45 minutes. We talked again tonight, but the conversation wasnt as great. He said he wanted to be “friends, but still date, but not be tied down.” Turns out, he likes another girl (yes he told me this). I had to come right out and tell him how i felt, so I said: “Listen, I am smart enough to know that I shouldnt make the same mistake twice. I have tried so hard to get over you and it looks like I am back to square one, but I dont think that I can let you put me through that again. I wish you and [girl’s name] the best happiness, but if you are just waiting for her to like you then you shouldnt be waisting your time on me.”
I feel awful. I feel like he is controlling me, more than SI ever has before. It isnt my fault that we broke up. We broke up because he was stressed and he took it out on me. He has put me through a lot and I dont know if I could do it again.. I keep telling myself that i am strong, but then I look at my SI tool and know that I am not. A lot of my scars are to him. I was so excited to be loved and important again. was it some sort of joke that he took it right back? I am so confused, especially because I have never let a guy make me feel like this before. I just want to talk to someone, be it my ex, or my history teacher. (which i need some advice on.. what do you guys say when someone asks you if your okay? I dont know how much longer I can lie. )
I hate how alone I am. I just want someone to look at me and say “You are doing something right.” I hate how much I love him. I hate it. I hate how much I dont love me.
You inspired me in a way. I am having problems like yours. I wish I made the same choice you made with your ex. I wasn’t stong enough to say no. I can’t look at you and say you did something right, but I’ll type it. You did something right that some of us aren’t strong enough to do. Your never alone as long as you have all of us.
-lostcause
I LOVE that you were able to have a conversation with your ex and stand up for yourself! That is such an inspiring thing to hear! Stay centered, focus on YOU, and remember to take a deep breath every once in a while. Sometimes when I am going through a really rough patch, I make myself write down two or three things that I enjoyed about the day.
For example, today, I am really thankful that I made the time to visit with an old friend rather than hang out with some dudes that probably don’t understand me the same way she does.
Also, I’m glad that I painted my nails and had a little bit of “me time”.
I know it might sound cheesy but I really encourage you to do the same! Let me know if you wanna talk.
Rockettcollins@gmail.com
that took a lot of strenth to stand up for yourself and say that to your ex. Good job…and you’re not alone 🙂 ever wanna talk my email is TBoneFlo387@hotmail.com
Good job on standing up to your ex. You deserve better than to just be used by him while he waits for this other girl.
Look, like lostcause said, you did something right by not just letting your ex push you around.
I totally get the whole not-loving-yourself thing. I have drowned in oceans of self-hatred before. But just hang out. It’s so hard. It is, I’m not going to lie. But just remember this one thing: There is always hope. Always. No matter how black your night may seem, there is always hope for the morning.
You can email me if you’d like : SearchingSoulForever@gmail.com
I hope we can be friends.
~Zoey
I meant “hang on” haha whoops.
thank you all for your words. i just feel like i am out of room.. and im running and running and now i dont even know what im running to or from anymore. He certainly didnt waiste any time on breaking my heart this time.. Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone. I was surprised to hear that i was “inspiration”.. well however I did that, I hope you take it and make the changes in your life that you need to so that you feel good, whole, and eventually happy.
who knows, maybe the next time i say no it will be to a tool..thats the goal at least : )
stay strong, and thank you for the support! Love you guys!