well yeah i am.

Yesterday was a rough day, to say the lease. It was going alright, and then one thing after another: xboyfriend, bad grades, drama with friends, lack of friends, my english teacher calling me a bword, and a whale, failing a very important test in my history class.. ect.

This is where it gets sticky. I stayed after school to take a test (yes, this is the one that i failed). After the test, my mom picked me up and told some news about my dad on the way home. When we got home she noted that I needed to be really nice to my dad and make sure i supported him. If you have read my previous posts, you will know that I have a lot of anger towards my father. as much as i try hard not too.. i cant help it. I began to get upset, and lied to my mom that I forgot something at school just so i didnt have to stay at home. These get away drives have been happeneing a lot more. Anyway I drove to school, started crying, and went in and headed to my locker. (it was like 5:30ish.. no one was in the building). I passed my histroy teacher on the way in and he asked me why i came back to school.. I just said that I didnt want to be at home. He asked me what was wrong and i gave a frusturated smile.. i didnt even know where to start. that has been happening all the time. I just dont know how to answer.

So after I stayed at school a bit and then came back home, I got on my laptop, surprised to see an IM from an ex-boyrfriend. Its been sixth months since we even spoke. Anyways, long story short, we both still like eachother and he said that he wanted to patch things up. I hate guy drama because I have enough to worry about without these things. I have tried to hard to get over him though. and he managed to take everything i had worked so hard at in like 45 minutes. We talked again tonight, but the conversation wasnt as great. He said he wanted to be “friends, but still date, but not be tied down.” Turns out, he likes another girl (yes he told me this). I had to come right out and tell him how i felt, so I said: “Listen, I am smart enough to know that I shouldnt make the same mistake twice. I have tried so hard to get over you and it looks like I am back to square one, but I dont think that I can let you put me through that again. I wish you and [girl’s name] the best happiness, but if you are just waiting for her to like you then you shouldnt be waisting your time on me.”

I feel awful. I feel like he is controlling me, more than SI ever has before. It isnt my fault that we broke up. We broke up because he was stressed and he took it out on me. He has put me through a lot and I dont know if I could do it again.. I keep telling myself that i am strong, but then I look at my SI tool and know that I am not. A lot of my scars are to him. I was so excited to be loved and important again. was it some sort of joke that he took it right back? I am so confused, especially because I have never let a guy make me feel like this before. I just want to talk to someone, be it my ex, or my history teacher. (which i need some advice on.. what do you guys say when someone asks you if your okay? I dont know how much longer I can lie. )

 I hate how alone I am. I just want someone to look at me and say “You are doing something right.” I hate how much I love him. I hate it. I hate how much I dont love me.