I am struggling with my choices right now. I can not turn back from most of them, especially this huge move I just made. I don’t know if I made the right decision and I am struggling with that and I can’t go back even if I wanted to. I wasn’t happy where I was, so this second opportunity came along and I grabbed it with both hands. I am glad I took it. I think I would have regretted it if I didn’t. But I can not put into words how lonely, confused, and sad I am. I think about SI a lot and think about the control and weird comfort I gain from it, but I ask myself, why would I do it. It is not going to fix anything.
I wish I could just make some grand transformation and be happy with my life, and not constantly question my choices and be insecure about who I am and what I look like. All of this seems to amplify in a brand new place. I keep telling myself over and over that this was the best decision I could have made given my circumstances and that it will work out – it will just take a little more time, and a bit more effort. I just have to give myself a little pep talk every morning when I wake up to try and just get through another day.
Part of me is a bit angry about what I am allowing myself to feel. I went through some much bad stuff when I was younger that I feel I should just be grateful to have the life that I do. I never have to endure what I went through ever again. But I can’t help but still feel sorry for myself sometimes. I can do it though – I think. I have come this far, that I know things will be okay eventually – hopefully.