I thought I was doing well, three weeks I went without SIing, but today I lost control.
My boyfriend well ex boyfriend said the words I knew were coming for a few days. When I eventually get to sleep, I’ve been having dreams about us splitting up, then waking up every 15 minutes. He muttered the words ‘this isn’t working’ and all I could say was ‘I know.’ because it’s true I knew we just wernt working, but we could of worked it out, I know it, the fact that he didn’t try is what really got to me. Am I not worth the effort? obviously not.
As soon as I got home I just broke down. I just couldnt/still can’t stop crying, I don’t know why. The only thing I knew what would make me feel better was to SI, its my fault things didnt work out, my stupid selfish fault.
I think its the fact I really am on my own now thats got me. I have no one to cheer me up when Im down, I mean I have friends but its just different. I went for a walk before and saw a few of my good friends, I explained what had gone on and when they hugged me and asked if I was okay I just shrugged and said yeah im not bothered. But I feel so alone. I tried not to get attached to him, I promised myself I wouldnt, but I did and now Im so lost. I don’t know what to do, I hate myself for getting attached, I hate myself for caring, I hate myself for not being worth the effort, I hate myself for being so upset when he’s really not that bothered, I just hate myself.
Im not really here. Im so sick of screwing things up. I just want help.