As the title said…I’m really disappointed in myself for relapsing. Things have been really good lately, I mean, my depression has actually been pretty well-controlled and I’ve been doing good in school, but the other day I got into a fight with my mom and I ended up self-injuring. It freaked me out because I just did it so quickly, it was like, I didn’t even have to think about it, it just came natural.

I’m really nervous because this weekend I have to do training for my job this summer. I’m running a rock climbing wall at a summer camp, and I’m just so scared that I’m gonna end up injuring again over the weekend. My best friend is the one that got me the job (I’m going to be his co-leader), and so he’ll be there, but I know that if I do SI, he won’t be upset with me, he’ll be disappointed, which is worse. That, and the fact that he’d take my tool (I won’t say what it is), which would upset me because it’s VERY nice and expensive and I use it for things that DON’T involve harming myself. Plus, I wouldn’t want my co-workers/employers to find out that I SI. They probably wouldn’t want a freak like me working with their kids/working for them. I’m also really nervous about my new employers/co-workers seeing my scars. They are obvious. I mean, unless I cover up, they’re going to see them. People I don’t even know will come up and ask me what happened. It kinda ticks me off. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this? What should I do if someone asks about it? I don’t want to tell them the truth, that’s for sure! But yeah…I don’t know what to do if someone this weekend does ask.

Does anyone have any advice? I’m 21 and I’ve been self-injuring since I was 12…so telling me things like “Oh, grasp ice cubes in your hands” doesn’t work for me. I’ve done this a long time. I guess I just need some support, maybe some advice on *something* I can do, anything.

Anyway, I was going through an old journal and found a poem I had written. I must’ve been pretty depressed, but I thought I’d throw it out there. Y’all can critique it as much as you want, I won’t be offended.

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Life goes on
and people change,
But not for me,
The pain never seems to change.

Not all wounds
time will heal;
The pain
stays just as real.

Life & death,
Love & hate,
Two are a choice,
and two are our fate.

This dark blue envelops me,
Draws me in and sucks me down,
I try to fight for air,
But still never feel alive.

I’m sick of dreaming
in black and white,
I want to see colors,
I want to feel life.

Anyway, I’m gonna go…I’m starting to get sleepy (I guess my sleeping medication is actually working for once). If anyone has any suggestions, please share. Either on here or you can e-mail me (just ask me and I’ll give it to you).