I played the piano for years.  I think a total of 10 years.  I had lessons, i loved playing, it relaxed me.  I stopped at 16.  I always thought when i got my licence i be able to go my own so i wouldnt be a hassle for my mom who used to rush home from work to take me.  The day i quit my teacher said “your not quitting you found a new teacher.” she didnt believe that i would stop.  Its bee 5 years since i touched the piano.  Sometimes i wonder why i stopped.  When i stopped i had been injuring for about 2 years.  I remember going to lessons and having to worry about my injuries showing.  I remember my piano teacher being proud of me.  I remember the beautiful music i made, just me, all on my own.  i remember the persistance of practicing, the pleasure of having a new song.  I never played for anyone, my parents begged me to play for friends, for family, for them even, i said no.  It was MINE. I wanted to make music for me. 10 years is such a long time! and i simply gave up.  I told my mom my heart wasnt in it.  But what i dont remember is, was my heart really not in it? Or was it the self injury that made itself my release.  Music made me feel better. It really did.  It took my mind off so much.  Now i look at the beautiful piano and i wonder why i stopped and dont remember why.  I wish i knew.  I wish i could pin point the reason why i gave up on a passion. 

ive given up on alot of things.  It seems like i give up on alot of things that made me happy.  I swam for a long time too. I swam for almost 12 years.  Since i was 4 i took lessons, and up until i was again 16, i gave up. I stopped.  It was too hard to swim, and self injure.  what did i choose?  SI.  I was never good enough to go anywhere with it by all means, but it was again, mine. it was my release. When i got out of the pool at night, i would be so tired, i couldnt think of anything else.  Of course the last two years of swim were awful because i would be SI-ing and trying to hide it.  About 4 girls i swam with knew.  I felt so ashamed. I wonder why i didnt stop si-ing.  I gave up on what i loved, again, for something i didnt NEED.  I needed my passion, i needed that adrenaline rush when i got tapped into a relay.  when the whistle blew my heart would be pounding, and the best surge of energy would wash over me. 

funny, thats what SI does for me now.

I wish i knew why.  I always wonder.  Maybe i should start to play again.  Maybe i should swim again.  Maybe i need to forget what people expect of me and do what i need to do.  I should ignore my parents, their hopes their wishes for me, and do what i want. 

But i cant.