I have remained SI free for a while now, I have not kept track, but for at least 2 or 3 months, I think. My memory is not the greatest. I have been feeling depressed for so long, but it has gotten noticeably worse the past 2 weeks and I need to get help, ive been trying to get my mom to make me a doc. appointment but it has been useless.
Tonight I really got on her about making the doctors appointment and she asked me why I needed a doctors appointment. I can not tell her why I want to go or what I have been feeling, because I am afraid she will just brush it off and not take me if I do. My mother knows that I self injure, she believes i want attention when I do it, so for the past year or two I have hidden it from her. I have been SIing since 6th grade, I am a freshman in High school now. She made the comment tonight about how teenagers just get mood swings and that she doesnt get all these teens saying their depressed. Yeah, Teens just get mood swings often. One minute their happy, one minute they hate you.
She does not understand thats not the way it is for me. I have been stuck in a rut since 2008 and it has not gotten better, but lately its just complete desolate dispare and hopeless sadness. No random happy or mad, though im much more irritable lately, Just sadness and late night crying sessions when I am all alone. I dont really have anyone to talk to about it, and I dont want to talk to anyone but the people on here and a doctor about it because no one else would understand.
Im ready to give in to my temptation to SI because honestly I do not see the point on holding out. The scars fade. Im still alive and no ones life is affected differently from me holding back as when I SI’d. Im ready to just give in and forget about my life and SI to let the pain and maddness and wrecklessness consume me. If it can figure out who I am because I do not feel like myself at all anymore and I dont know what to do with myself.
I feel like I have been fighting in a pointless battle. Battleing to not SI for no reason what so ever. Whats the point? Nothing is going to change for me, this feeling is not going away, I might as weel stop fighting it and roll with it. We will see I suposse.