When I was younger I used to be a ‘happy-go-lucky’ kid and never had problems. Never was truely depressed, I never understood my mother and her anger but since i’m older now i’ve grown to understand her. Being 19 years young i’ve struggled with injuring myself. It began during my freshman year, the cause (from what i’ve observed) was that I was in a long distance relationship where I put a lot of pressure on myself to please the other person. I felt I never was good enough, my self confidence was down and literally went down the drain after a year and a half.
After that time I was better. Had a new outlook on life and allowed myself to fall for another guy months down the road. It appeared to happen again where I felt disheveled and couldn’t manage to keep myself in a positive attitude. Ever since my first relationship, all I felt I was doing when I was expressing my anger, sadness, and furstration with my own mind, it seemed like I was wasting time. It didn’t matter how I felt but what matter was the other persons views and how they had to deal with my depression and self injuries. Some how it still didn’t matter to me. I didn’t care how much they cared for me or what would happen to me. This continued on to my second relationship which niether guy I dated understood what I was going through and instead of supporting or understanding me, they felt it necessary to go against what was happening. To either not see it or to grow angry.
My current relationship is quite different. The guy I’m with is understandable with what i’m going through and helps me grow fond of the happier moments. He doesn’t like me to injure myself but I’ve grown into the darkness again and i’m afraid this time I wont come out of it. I’m afraid since he revolts it so much if I slip then he’ll grow angry and frustrated just like the rest and leave me.
I don’t want this to happen. I want to get better. I want to stop hating myself and who I am, and just enjoy what is going on in my life and be happy for where I’m at.
I’m just afraid that will never happen.