I’m having a bad day. I feel vulnerable again, like I need to SI. But I know I cant. I mean I litterally CANNOT… I’ve been through so much and the one person I trully loved, trully cared about, the boy I would give my life for is gone. He was that little glimmer of hope that kept me going for so long. And I told him everything. My struggle with depression and SI and the pain I had to deal with. He was the one person I could somewhat confide in and he knew absolutley positively EVERYTHING! The lowest depths and darkest corners of my soul laid out for him on a silver platter. Thats the hardest part. Knowing that he knows. For two months I’ve been struggling to stay clean, luckily I have, and he helped me through that. But now he’s gone and I dont know what to do anymore. He was my first and only love and try as I might I cant seem to get over him. I miss him. I’m so lost. Its so hard trying to find “the real me” after being kept in the dark for so long. And this is just another painful blow. But I know SI wont help me, its just going to cover up the pain and wont solve any problems. But I still want it so badly. I’ve been so strong and I cant give up now. I have to get through this, somehow…
I get where your coming from on losing the boy that meant everything to you and was the only one who knew everything. I am losing mine in a drug out process and thats killing me. Stay strong and just think that at one point, you had the world and thats better than nothing. You had an amazing thing when you were together, and its good to know that you are capable of love and hopefully when your ready for it you will find a love like that, a more permanent one, that will stick it out and make you feel everything you felt with him even if you dont feel like things will get better, in a long time, things will get better. SI will only make you feel worse and covering up the pain actually isnt worth the short while of not feeling it. Stay strong and if you need me, comment on one of my blogs or my email is unicornsandhandgernades08@yahoo.com
Hopefully ive helped, even if just a little bit.