I’m having a bad day. I feel vulnerable again, like I need to SI. But I know I cant. I mean I litterally CANNOT… I’ve been through so much and the one person I trully loved, trully cared about, the boy I would give my life for is gone. He was that little glimmer of hope that kept me going for so long. And I told him everything. My struggle with depression and SI and the pain I had to deal with. He was the one person I could somewhat confide in and he knew absolutley positively EVERYTHING! The lowest depths and darkest corners of my soul laid out for him on a silver platter. Thats the hardest part. Knowing that he knows. For two months I’ve been struggling to stay clean, luckily I have, and he helped me through that. But now he’s gone and I dont know what to do anymore. He was my first and only love and try as I might I cant seem to get over him. I miss him. I’m so lost. Its so hard trying to find “the real me” after being kept in the dark for so long. And this is just another painful blow. But I know SI wont help me, its just going to cover up the pain and wont solve any problems. But I still want it so badly. I’ve been so strong and I cant give up now. I have to get through this, somehow…