Ive been SI for 4 years now, Im now on anti depressants and going to therapy. Ive been through so much. But the thought to SI has never left my mind. Its no longer hard for me to fake my happieness, but on the inside im truely dieing. I cant take it any longer. I need to stop. But in a sick and twisted way I dont want to. I want to SI. Right now. Every tick on the clock the thoughts get worse and worse.  It seems no one can hear me. Please. All i want to do is SI. And its all I cant do….

Ive tried calling my best friend or boy friend when I want to, Going for a walk or jog or coloring or drawing or painting or reading or writing and punching a pillow and taring up paper and breaking pencils and drawing on my skin, ive tried ice and rubber bands and for 4 years ive been avoiding the truth… im addicted to SI…

the therapy doesnt seem to help one bit, nothing distracts me. ive been on 3 different meds to find the right one. and it still doesnt help.

Am i just doomed for life…?