I am trying to hold back on the urge to SI. It has been so many months since I have done anything. I am stronger than this, I have better tools now. I can do this. It is just so unbelievably hard right now not to want to turn to the one thing that I know can offer me some temporary comfort. I do know it is temporary, but right now I am just begging for anything to relieve some of the loneliness and sadness that I feel right now.

Its funny a little when I think about it. When I was much younger I used to have a security blanket that I carried with me everywhere. When I was about six, I had to give it up because I was too “old” for it. But years later I would still want the comfort it gave me. That is how I feel now but just about SI.

I know part of the reason I may feel this way is becuase in all of the newness and choticness that I have been going through, I forgot to take my medication two days in a row. That turned out to be a mistake. But even when I was taking it, the urge is/was still there. I have even gone so much as to think about what, where and when I would do it.

I am trying so hard. I have never tried this hard before. Usually I wouldn’t care and just give in. But I know, through all the therapy, tools I have learned, etc… that this in not the best thing. But right now, I am having a very hard time trying to convince myself of that. I want it so badly and I just think if I just gave in this once to help a little bit that it will by okay, that I’ll be okay, and I will move on and not SI from there.

I don’t know. It is just so difficult right now. I wish there was someone here I could talk to.