Do you ever go through periods when SIing is the only thing on your mind? It is not that I have the desire to SI, so much as it is that I want to read about it, think about it, watch anything related to it. It is weird. I am so lonely in this strange new place since I have moved, yet I am taking it one day at a time, and everyday that goes by I feel a bit better – like I can maybe do this. It is still hard, very lonesome and depressing, but again, everyday that goes by I feel like I have conqured a little bit more of my fear and I have some sense of pride in that. All those “tough” emotions are all still there, but I feel like each day it is getting a bit less intense.
However, the obsession with SI has stayed the same since I got here, if not increased. I am proud to say I have not done anything, although the urge has been there many times. I know it is not healthy or safe to be reading about SI and all that, but I can’t seem to help myself. My skin is a reminder of what I can do to myself to make things feel better. I purposely look at my injuries. It is not like I am proud of it or anything, but I just need to see it. In a way right now it is comforting, as is reading about SI and watching things concerning it is also a bit comforting.
I want to stop. I feel like at some point I am going to have a bad day, that I am going to feel so depressed and that my obsession with SI right now is going to trigger something, and I will break this several month streak I have of not SIing. I know I shouldn’t be like this right now. I need a distraction from my feelings. That distraction used to be SI, but I know it is not a healthy choice so I am just choosing to do everything related to SI, but the act itself.
Sorry, I know this is just rambling and not sure if it even makes sense. Does anyone know what I mean?