At this point I feel like I am breaking down. Everything around me is crashing and that that hasnt crashed yet is about to. Its another one of those nights I am up at 5 in the morning because ive been crying all night and I cant sleep no matter how badly I try to just go to sleep to escape what im feeling, despite the terrifying nightmares I know are awaiting me. I am starting to not be able to handle what I have been given. I am losing the only glimmer of hope for anything and I am struggling not to let it slip through my fingers. I have been considering just ending this. I dont want to nessisarily, I have things I want to live for, I am just terrifiyed I am losing those things, and then I will be alone with nothing but a worse feeling. Sometimes I wish someone would see that I am dying inside and I am struggling, but there is no one to notice. I wont let them see that in me, though I kind of wish they would. I want to stop feeling this way, I want help out of this mess I call myself, but there is no one who can help. My boyfriend is the best a person could ask for, but when he asks if I am ok, I tell him yes. We are honest with each other and I pride myself on that, but I cant bring myself to tell him how I feel inside. I suposse I want to protect him, to have him only see the side that is strong for him, not the side thats falling apart. I dont want him to have to worry about me, I want him to just enjoy everything without the worry. I cant bring myself to find someone to let this all out to, besides this website where I hardly get comments anyways, so basically all I can do is vent and hope it gets better, which it hardly ever does. When I get like this every night, I want to SI so badly. I think about doing it, I get close to doing it, but at this point Im afraid that if I start, I am not going to stop and I wont make it to the sunrise.