sometimes i wish i could totally just give up. just pack up my stuff, get out of my parents house and just go. just drive. for a week, two weeks, a month. be on my own. go where i wanna go. forget i ever si-ed to begin with. pretend im someone totally different. someone with no problems what so ever. someone who doesnt need school. someone who doesnt need parents to tell her what to do. i just wish they would give up on me. that would be easier. when they found out 5 years ago it was awful. i hated it. i STILL hate it. SI was MINE. No one could take it away from me. I had the control to do it or not do it. it was my “thing”, no one elses. Sometimes i hate them so much, my parents. They make me the one they go to. when they fight im the moderator. Im only 21!!! I need to live my own life before i fix your marriage! i hate how everyone comes to me in my family. when my sister in law has a problem, she tells me, when my mom does, she tells me, when my dad does he tells me, WHO do i have? ONE friend. And that one friend has so many problems of his own i feel like a terrible person unloading on him. Then they wonder why i Si-ed. Well guys YOU did. YOU made me feel so alone, so stressed out. You took away everything i ever wanted in high school and made me an outcast. I couldnt go out, i couldnt stay out, i had to ask permission to go to LUNCH right after school for 30 mins!! And you wonder why i skipped school so much. YOU controled my every move. You wanted my to be who i wasnt. Well im still not. Im still not who you want me to be. The shell of the person they all see isnt who i really am. On the outside im so composed, so strong, so open minded. On the inside im alone, scared, stressed. My head throbs every day with the stress that they put me through. I slipped last week and Si-ed. After a loooong time. I cant even say the last time i did it. It was probably in November. Maybe october. I dont even know. I have these terrible headaches that make me ears pound that make my eyes hurt, what helps the most? you guessed it. When I SI it calms me down. I cant tell my doctor, “dont worry about my migranes, ill just Si and make them go away”. However i wish i could. SI ruled my life for so long. And for the longest time i had control to NOT do it. Now the urge is so strong. All i can do is get lost in books. Wow im all over the place. i just dont know anymore. i dont want to be me.