I dont usually get upset when people call me mean things. Last night was different. It hurts, stings when those words come from your dad.
So i had just come back from surgery and had been on the couch all day sleeping. I was feeling a little more awake so I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. My dad came downstairs and seeing that I was off the couch, turned the channel and half-jokingly I took the remote and changed the channel back to my show. Had i known it would have blown out of proportion, i wouldnt have touched it. Long story short, he went off on how he deserved to watch TV because he had “waisted” his whole afternoon with me at the Doctors. I was shocked, because it made me feel like i didnt deserve my surgery. I kinda froze me for a second. So i didnt give the remote back and he totally flipped out and yelled “You’re an A-word. A F-word,etc. (Do you know what im saying with the abbreviations?). I stood still, it stung. It hurt. It was worse than any SI i have ever done.
What I wanted to tell him was that it was his fault i was in this mess anyway. That he was the one who moved me from my home, took me from my familiar friends and family, my school. my church. He removed me from everything i knew. That wasnt his fault, I know. but then he lost his job here which was his motive for moving us.Again, thats not his fault either, I know. But he has now been jobless for 8 months. and he isnt trying to get a new positition. What he said to me stung because I felt like all the times that I wanted to yell at him and didnt.. its like they didnt even matter. All my sacrifices I have given up, and will be giving up, its like he doesnt even care. He doesnt care that I stress about having a college fund or not, or that i cant afford a flight back home to visit my friends. To say that I am an _____ for all my hard work.. it just hurt. He is the one giving up. I started crying as soon as he went upstairs, and I was worried that I was going to SI… so I took the car and left. Its the first time i’ve ever gone somewhere without telling a parent. I was scared. But those words keep repeating in my head.
He hasnt mentioned last night all day. He brought it up and said “dont you have something you need to appologize for?” I said no, and ran upstairs. I feel like my entire life has been taken from me, and my father is not doing anything to try to give it back.
I dont know what I’m trying to say. I cant talk about it to any friends here, cause they wouldnt get it. My friends at home seem to far away to explain this. My mom appologized and lectured him. Im hurt, just hurt. Over nothing more than a TV show.
I havent felt anything in a long time. until now. I wish I couldnt feel this.