I know it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged here I’ve just been avoiding everything I can in this world (Including Myself). Ever since my last blog it seems like everytime I have something good happen, something bad follows. So I ask myself everyday why not just keep laying the bad stuff on so thick that it would be impossible to get out from underneath it. I have a chance to start college this Fall/Winter and I just want to stop this idiotic notion that I could actually make something of myself after all even after death I could still hear my family saying you’ll never amount to anything, but being a loser all your life. I have to agree because why did all the abuse that happen to me only happens to losers. So I’ve been doling out everything humanly possible to keep up the legacy in my family. I’ve been avoiding my Therapist & Psychiatrist, injuring myself with food which could cause other health problems and just do everything else to hurt myself so when I do hurt myself I could at least feel something and realize that HEY I”M ALIVE AFTER ALL! I feel that this is the only way to live right now because it’s normal to me. People tell me that I’m smart, if I was so smart why not realize that dreams only come true for those born with silver spoons in their mouths and not low lives like me. All I want is to bail out of this world so I could have some peace and so everyone else could all agree “THERE GOES THE BIGGEST LOSER IN LIFE.”
All the abuse that happened to you doesn’t happen to only losers. I’ve been abused in my life and don’t consider myself a loser. Oprah Winfrey was abused and she’s a billionare. Abuse doesn’t define a person. You’re defined by your actions, not someone elses.
Denise-
This is the first time that I have written on here, and I know that we don’t know eachother. SI is often associated with and considered a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress disorder. I know that you feel hopeless and lost. But with the very few details that you included about your childhood and home life…ANYONE would feel lost. You can not expect yourself to be strong and rooted when there was no one there advocating for you. Don’t join them. If people around you don’t have the ability to advocate for you, then I KNOW you are strong enough to begin to do it for yourself. With every single word you write and everything you say to yourself- I BEG you to question, “if I had a best friend who I loved, would I speak to them this way?”.Everytime you tell yourself that you are worthless, or hopeless, or helpless you are taking strength away from yourself and giving it away.
You don’t have to struggle to survive – you already are. You are here and you got through today- and sometimes that’s enough.
But do know this- I have never met you, I don’t know a thing about you except for that one post, but I do know this with my whole heart- You are valueable and worthy of kindness and love. You are not alone, ever. Even when you are in the darkest hours that you have known. And if right now, in this moment, another person on this site can say, “I’m a fan of yours and I will back you up every step of the way because you are worth love and kindness” then you have to start to believe it. You wont be alone. You have a community that will help you to see your value until you can see it for yourself.
I am 31 years old now. I have been a student of this issue since I was 21 years old and first began to SI. The irony is that I was a psychology student at the time!
I am on your side. This life is sometimes so dark and we don’t know why people tell us such sad things about ourselves- or worse, why we believe them. But I promise you this, they are wrong. You are somebody who is already making a contribution to this world even if you can’t see it.
Let’s talk about college. I want you to be able to go!
We are strangers – but we are women, we share an unfortunate symptom of a much larger problem and we are human. You cannot control your past or why you have been treated the way you were- but you can start to be a friend to yourself today. Until you can, I know I’m not the only one in this community who is on your side and cheering you on.
Dear Beinsf,
You want to her something that’s funny, but not. I plan on going to college either in the Fall/Winter to become a Social Worker. It’s been a goal of mine for the past 10-15 years and I just want to ditch the whole thing because of growing up with people saying to me that I will never about to anything except being a piece of dirt. I know it sounds crazy and all, but I just feel like I’m still being punish for every good thing I do something bad is just around the corner.