“im so dissapointed in you”

i hear those 5 words everyday of my life

i SIed today and i couldnt stop thinking of those 5 words and how  often  hear them, how often im supposed to act like im sorry, or that i dont care. but not only are my parents saying that now, but so are teachers, my coach who was almost like another father to me.just looked me in the  eye and said “you better smile for the camera, or they wont take your picture”.he said that he was disappointed in me,for what? for acting my feelings? he said he was disappointed in me..for what? i came in first for all the events i did today.he said he was disappointed because i wasnt smiling. Im supposed to plaster a smile onto my face im supposed to fake that smile until it hurts, but all they see is disappointment. the smile slips another dissapointment. They expect me to plaster that smile onto my face, beause thats what they want to see. NO one sees through it, not even my best freind.

“are you okay?”

“yeah just really tired”

i want to scream to them CANT YOU SEE THROUGH THE FAKE SMILE ? i want to ask them..do you really know me at all?

i want to yell NO IM NOT OKAY

but everytime  they ask i just smile and say im tired.

when i told my best freind that i was a little down she just said suck it up stop feeling sorry for yourself…i gues im just self absorbed. so i started talking to the stuffed lion she gave me. but that just reminds me that even my best friend cant be trusted, that i cant tell her, becuase im just to sorry for myself.

i dont know what to do, i just need someone to talk to…