Yesterday, my friend told me another piece of news that made everything that much harder. I know that she needed to tell me, and I’m glad that she did. But it just hurts so badly.
My ex-best friend (to make it easier I’ll call her girl B), the recent one who just did something horrible to me, told my other ex-best friend (girl A) what she did. Is she proud or something? It is not her right to be telling people, because it is my secret, not hers. She wasn’t the one who went through the pain. And the worst part, the part that kept me awake last night as I cried so hard in the dark was the fact that girl A, the one who was best friends with me, never girl B, took girl B’s side. It just makes me sick. She defended the person who hurt me the most in the entire world.
And now I have to face. them. both. I have to pretend like nothing’s wrong. I have to pretend like I don’t hate them with every fibre in my aching body. I wish that they could comprehend this pain, what I’ve had to put up with every single day at school, what I’ve gone through. But they can’t. I wish that I could scream at them that they’re horrible people for breaking my heart and then smashing it a second time, I wish I could show them how we promised that we would always be there for each other. But I can’t.
I can only watch as their friends talk to them, laugh with them, completely oblivious to what they’d done. What she did to me.
I can only stand here, motionless, the tears not coming because I’ve cried so much, so hard, that I’m pretty sure I’ve run out of
Tears.
I can only push this secret, I wonder if it’s even my secret anymore, to the back of my mind and let the dust settle. Maybe, late at night, I will cry over it. I will always feel the weight of its pain unless I’m numb, a state I’ve become accustomed to. Maybe, sometimes, I will let my mask crack slightly. But I will never be whole again. No one will ever fully understand how much this hidden burden
Hurts.
I hate them both.
Staystrong.
No one can ever fully understand us, they can only go so far as to be fully empathetic, unless they know our pain directly. You need to be honest with them, as you are being honest with us here and you are being honest with yourself. You know in your heart that they aren’t good friends, and they should be let go of. You need to tell them that, no matter what it takes you. You are the most important person in your life, and when it comes to the worst, you need to take care of yourself first. Don’t worry about them or the aftermath. Just worry about doing what you need to do to be happy. Because at the end of the day, if you’re not happy with your life, no one else can change it for you, except for YOU. It’s up to you to change the way things go, and your life is ALWAYS your decision.
As for the entire subject of the SI, you have admitted to it, so it’s no longer a secret really. You’ve told us about your problem, so there is someone technically involved now (that can include myself) and admitting is the first step of recovery. You are on your way. I’ll be here to support you. You can’t really keep this in the back of your head, it’s just not that easy. The thing to keep in mind is, that it will always be somewhere in your life, whether it be totally present or not, but it doesn’t have to be PART OF YOU. When you are ready to be rid of Self injury, you are telling yourself as well as others that you don’t want to let it control you anymore, you are freeing yourself. It’s a huge process, but I think what you are trying to say is that you want that. And I’m proud.
If you need me, I’m here.
<3rescue
It is hard for people to understand self injury. They are concerned and confused and it upsets them. I have experienced similar things with friends finding out and not being able to be friends with me anymore. It hurts. But like rescue says, you have to look out for yourself. You have to do what is right for you. And sometimes, when friends really care about you and you are trapped in the cycle of self injury, it hurts them so much that they have to step away for a while. I don’t know your situation and if that is true or not for you. But that is kind of what happened to me. I also understand that people can be harsh and cruel and make little sense.
I also recently had a friend who found out tell my other friends. It caused a huge stink in my life that I’m still recovering from. Honestly, I have come really far in taking control of my injury problems and can usually resist all urges. The fear of new people finding out and the stress of their reactions is one of the only things left that triggers me. So, I understand your pain and your anger. Situations like this are hard. But I can tell you, the severity will lessen with time and it will hurt less each day. You can stay strong as your alias implies. If you want to talk more about this situation, feel free to let me know. It’s a rough situation. But it WILL get better. 🙂
hey there
well both of my now ex-best friends knew about my S.I.ing before this. The secret that was told was the secret of the thing that my most recent ex-best friend did to me to make me make the decision to not be friends with her anymore. If that makes sense.
I was really angry because the girl who did this to me told my other ex-best friend (we stopped being friends mainly because of the injuring) what she did to me. I was really angry because that ex-best friend took the girl who did this to me’s side. She defended her. And she was never really even friends with her. If this makes any sense. Its a complicated situation.
Anyways. Yeah. Hope this clarifies?
Staystrong