Yesterday, my friend told me another piece of news that made everything that much harder. I know that she needed to tell me, and I’m glad that she did. But it just hurts so badly.

My ex-best friend (to make it easier I’ll call her girl B), the recent one who just did something horrible to me, told my other ex-best friend (girl A) what she did. Is she proud or something? It is not her right to be telling people, because it is my secret, not hers. She wasn’t the one who went through the pain. And the worst part, the part that kept me awake last night as I cried so hard in the dark was the fact that girl A, the one who was best friends with me, never girl B, took girl B’s side. It just makes me sick. She defended the person who hurt me the most in the entire world.

And now I have to face. them. both. I have to pretend like nothing’s wrong. I have to pretend like I don’t hate them with every fibre in my aching body. I wish that they could comprehend this pain, what I’ve had to put up with every single day at school, what I’ve gone through. But they can’t. I wish that I could scream at them that they’re horrible people for breaking my heart and then smashing it a second time, I wish I could show them how we promised that we would always be there for each other. But I can’t.

I can only watch as their friends talk to them, laugh with them, completely oblivious to what they’d done. What she did to me.

I can only stand here, motionless, the tears not coming because I’ve cried so much, so hard, that I’m pretty sure I’ve run out of

Tears.

I can only push this secret, I wonder if it’s even my secret anymore, to the back of my mind and let the dust settle. Maybe, late at night, I will cry over it. I will always feel the weight of its pain unless I’m numb, a state I’ve become accustomed to. Maybe, sometimes, I will let my mask crack slightly. But I will never be whole again. No one will ever fully understand how much this hidden burden

Hurts.

I hate them both.

Staystrong.