this is my first time blogging…i guess…but ive started SIing in 7th grade im in 8th grade now….and im in control of nothing. I guess im supposed to be the perfect kid..im president of student council in honors in every subject the athlete the popular the lead in the musical..but i dont have control over that, and im just never good enough for any of the i dont know what to do to make myself better. i am what they want me to be. i feel that when i SI i have control over that its the one thing that i have total control over. but i know its bad..i think ive lost control over that too..all i want to do it cry and SI. i looked for support from my friends by showing one of my SI just to see if they cared…they didnt…so i just kept doing it. I even tried to make my feelings really prominent in front of teachers to see if they would ask so i could talk to someone..anyone..but all i got from that was “im very disappointed in you” i dont even know what i do to be disappointed in anymore…i dont know anything…i dont control anything..and i just needed to talk to someone….i tried i did..to stop. but i couldnt. i dont control anything anymore. and i need this small bit of control so i dont go crazy…anyone out there know what im talking about?
Yeah,I understand where you are coming from. Keeping up with everyone’s expectations is hard. I’m the one who out shines all of the girls in sports and who has to get good grades, but I realize trying to control that is very hard and exhausting. Keep your head up,freshman year will get better.
I know what you are talking about when it comes to control. It is something that I have dealt with my entire life. I was a lot like you in high school and once you set the bar high for yourself and show others what you are capable of they will always expect that much from you and will be disappointed when you fall below that bar. It took me a long time to be ok with falling below and not caring what others thought of me. It takes time and you have to be ok with who you are first. I am sorry to hear that you have tried to reach out to your friends and teachers and have gotten nothing in return. Is there a social worker at your school that you can talk to? And again, you are not alone!
Even though you have control over your injuring and your body, SI sometimes represents a lack of control over emotion–because instead of feeling, you are numb. It’s much better when you feel something, crying is healthy, I assure you of that. You have many good things going for you, most of which I’m not even capable of, and I for one am proud of all you accomplish. You are good enough to do the things you do, and keep being strong. Keeping your EMOTIONS in control is what’s important. You can get through this, you can help yourself. Self injury is not control, it is chaos. That’s one of many things I’ve learned.
<3, rescue