I haven’t written in here in a while. I thought I may as well update while I’m here.
Things with me right now haven’t been so bad. I haven’t self injured in about two weeks. And the last time I self injured wasn’t even that bad, I’m not even sure I want to count it as self-injuring. I’m not going into detail because I’m sure this site won’t let me put details, even though it’s really not gorey. Anyway, I digress.
There still have been urges a lot, but I have managed to overcome them, because I’m worried my dad will check me. Ever since he found out last month (not sure if I mentioned that on here?), I have been extra careful where I self-injure. Anyway, on March 1st (Self-injury awareness day), I got extremely mad… Well, it was actually a couple days after that.
As a part of self-injury awareness day, I wrote “LOVE” on my arm and walked around school. Since purple sharpie is very difficult to get off, I didn’t worry about it, because I knew I had done nothing wrong… However, when my dad’s girlfriend found out about the writing– which was now faded and purple– she flipped out on me, and I told her about SIAD, but she didn’t believe me, thinking they were self-injuring scars. I explained it to my dad the next day and he didn’t believe me either. It was all pretty ridiculous. I know they’re just looking out for me, but really? They’re going to be THAT worried? It was mostly because my friend ran away the night before they saw the letters, and since her stepdad came and got her, I was sad and cried almost the whole night. They checked me, and saw no scars, although I had self-injured that night. That friend also has problems with self-injuring and was being threatened to be kicked out of her home, and she is only 15… I felt like I was being a good friend, helping her escape her homelife, but I felt like I was failing as a friend when her plan didn’t work out. (However, this all worked out in the end. She is fine now, and doesn’t blame me, and I don’t blame myself for what happened anymore)
But right now my urges aren’t as strong as before… They are still there, and I feel like it would be the only thing keeping me tied down, but I haven’t done it. Also, I just recently got a boyfriend, and I feel he can support me through all this.
For now I am feeling better… I hope it will stay that way… I am getting support, although after my first counseling appointment a few weeks ago, we haven’t gone back to see him… Which I don’t mind. I don’t think counseling is going to help at all. At this point I don’t care if I stop self-injuring. I am keeping myself alive, and thinking that once I escape this horrid house I’m living in, I can go live in an apartment and self-injure there, where I can be alone and no one can stop me… Because for some reason that keeps me sane. It is a reason to stay where I am. I still don’t realize whether or not I’m hurting my loved ones. Some, I don’t care if I hurt them, because they hurt me… every day. Others, I want to know that self-injuring hurts them, because I care about them too much.
Also, I think people at school are probably figuring out that I self-injure. I now wear clothes to cover up around school, ones that are long enough to cover everything, and I think people are noticing and maybe talking. I don’t know whether this is a cry for help– i can’t really determine my feelings anymore. Well, I am rambling. I hope you are doing well… Please be safe 🙂