I hate being here. But at least ime here. And not Si-ing. It seems that school makes my life so much more stressful than it needs to be. All i want to do is give up on school. Ive been in college for three years with nothing to show for it. All i do is fail classes. Which leads me to Si. I dont want to fail classes i just stop going. And it just makes me feel like such a failure. Which leads to Si. Its been 5 or 6 months since the last time i actually did it. Which makes me really proud of myself. But i dropped all my classes today because i just cant take it anymore. I need to feel good about myself before i can feel good about anything else. Them min i dropped the classes i wanted to Si so badly. My parents think im so perfect. Im not im really not. And they are so proud of me. They want me to succeed. I just dont know if i can anymore. They think im this perfect daughte3r that works, goes to school, cooks dinner, goes to the gym, watches my nephew and never has any problems. their wrong. I want to scream! I cant take any of this anymore. I am NOT suicidal in any way. I just want to SI so badly. I wont. I cant. But it just seems like one little bit would make me feel soooo much better. I could calm down, i could smile again and mean it. Nothing feels right anymore. I dont want to go to school. I dont want to go to work. I dont want to be around my friends or family. Everything is fake for me. Im never happy. Maybe i really am depressed. Maybe i need to talk to someone. I dont know. I dont get it anymore. I was such a well adjusted child. Nothing was ever wrong. I was always happy. I had all the material things i needed. I STILL have more than enough material things in my life. I just dont know why i cant get school finished! im 21 years old!! i should have been done wtih my AA already!!!! I just dont know. i wish i knew how to solve all my problems in one snap. I just cant anymore. All i want right now is to SI. which is why i decided to blog. I havent been on here in a long time. Funny when registration time for schoolr olls around im back here, going crazy and typing away. Maybe i need a boyfriend. Maybe i need to lose weight. Maybe i need to sit down and cry. I really have no idea what i need anymore. Well idk. Im just repeating myself now. I think ill go.
I can relate to you alot, but im only fifteen. My parents think im this perfect, model child that doesn’t have problems anymore, and they are so wrong. Im not the perfect child, and i often feel like a complete failure. Being happy is an emotion i don’t feel much anymore and when i do it quickly goes away. And i might not know what to do anymore, but one thing i won’t do is SI. Ive learned that it really doesn’t solve anything and doing it only hurts the people around me that love and care about me. Quitting isn’t easy and hasn’t been, but i know in time ill give it up completely and so will you. Everything always works out in the end, and you just have to believe that. And you should finish school. It might not seem worth it now, but you’ll regret it the rest of your life if you don’t, asking yourself, “Well i wounder what would have happend if i had just finished?” So don’t quit. Don’t lose sight of where your going, remember where you’ve been, and never ever let the fear of the unknown to be your excuse for not moving on.
thank you. its nice knowing im not the only one =]