I hate being here. But at least ime here. And not Si-ing. It seems that school makes my life so much more stressful than it needs to be. All i want to do is give up on school. Ive been in college for three years with nothing to show for it. All i do is fail classes. Which leads me to Si. I dont want to fail classes i just stop going. And it just makes me feel like such a failure. Which leads to Si. Its been 5 or 6 months since the last time i actually did it. Which makes me really proud of myself. But i dropped all my classes today because i just cant take it anymore. I need to feel good about myself before i can feel good about anything else. Them min i dropped the classes i wanted to Si so badly. My parents think im so perfect. Im not im really not. And they are so proud of me. They want me to succeed. I just dont know if i can anymore. They think im this perfect daughte3r that works, goes to school, cooks dinner, goes to the gym, watches my nephew and never has any problems. their wrong. I want to scream! I cant take any of this anymore. I am NOT suicidal in any way. I just want to SI so badly. I wont. I cant. But it just seems like one little bit would make me feel soooo much better. I could calm down, i could smile again and mean it. Nothing feels right anymore. I dont want to go to school. I dont want to go to work. I dont want to be around my friends or family. Everything is fake for me. Im never happy. Maybe i really am depressed. Maybe i need to talk to someone. I dont know. I dont get it anymore. I was such a well adjusted child. Nothing was ever wrong. I was always happy. I had all the material things i needed. I STILL have more than enough material things in my life. I just dont know why i cant get school finished! im 21 years old!! i should have been done wtih my AA already!!!! I just dont know. i wish i knew how to solve all my problems in one snap. I just cant anymore. All i want right now is to SI. which is why i decided to blog. I havent been on here in a long time. Funny when registration time for schoolr olls around im back here, going crazy and typing away. Maybe i need a boyfriend. Maybe i need to lose weight. Maybe i need to sit down and cry. I really have no idea what i need anymore. Well idk. Im just repeating myself now. I think ill go.