I am alive.

and today i did not wake up crying.
yesterday, i did not wake up crying..
and… i took the SAT and had the ability to focus on it..

two months ago i took the ACT and was practically crying through it.

three weeks ago i was so lost.. just one rough night and so many tears… disbelief led me to self injur. out of sight, my parents never knew. It felt like eighth grade all over again. so i backed down from it all and now.. today..

i am me again.  after a month of treatment.  things change.  it just takes time.

Believe — today i looked at the word and thought “be alive” is what it could say.

i am listening to dashboard confessionals. saints and sailors and i remember the lost moments where i cant fight my brain to have a positive thought worth calming down for. When i felt that weak it was hard.. but in time.. im me again… rational thought and ability to run around again.

mental illness is a snowballing thing.  it has to get worse to get better.  well, its getting better.

yeah, my enviroment is lousy.. i still have horribly naive or unfaithful or irrational friends and the ones who hurt me live on happy in front of me every day as i miss them and cannot trust them again.. but it doesnt hurt me as much as it used to.. it does not take the best of me.. because they had me at my worst.. and now that they’re gone.. i am getting better.. and they will never get THIS me.. the best me.. the best of me..the one with all that past inside her and she is still alive.

i am rising above.

and i wish everyone could.  really.

i was not a believer before like i am now.
before i desired hope to make itself clear..  now it is.

believe. be live. be alive. and let time and treatment give you your piece of mind back…  patience.

the hardest task in life is waiting for that moment to pass.. think about tomorrow. when tomorrow comes, what will you have wanted to do today that you are going to think about tomorrow?  yeah.

i want all of you to give it time and test patience and conquer it.  hour by hour day by day.  i want to help everyone while helping myself.

keep reminding myself im not alone..

i dont want to relapse  i am SO SCARED of that.. so.. i go forward..  i go online.. and resist.