i haven’t SIed in almost a month.
you think that’s be a good thing right??
well i can’t freaking stop thinking about it!
every day, all i can see is the scars
all i can think about is what if every one finds out
what if everyone knows what i did
but yet i want so bad to do it again
i know i can’t
i’m a role model
i’m a coach, basketball team captian, a straight a student
what is my problem then!!
my friend committed suicide about 4 months ago
i knew he was depressed, i knew he wasn’t happy
and yet i didn’t save him
i think about him everyday
i didn’t get to say goodbye
i didn’t get to see him before he left
and i’ll never forgive myself for it
i miss him so much that it physical pains me
he accepted me for who i was
i could talk to him about everything
and he’s not here anymore
i used to cope by SIing
but i can’t anymore
i can’t let myself go back to it
no matter how bad i want to
i just don’t know how much longer i can deal with it
and what kills me is that i can’t see my friend because he’s dead
but yet i have to see the guy that pretty much assaulted me almost every day at school
how is that even fair??
why does life have to be that bad??
he still goes around telling everyone we had sex
and of course every one believes him over me because he’s the guy and i’m the girl
no one will listen to me when i say we didn’t
i can’t tell people the truth about what really happen
and i don’t even want them to know the truth
but i hate the rumors
it makes me re live that moment every time i hear about it
it makes me sick to my stomach knowing that i couldn’t stop that either
i was too upset about my friend dying
i tried to feel better
and he took advantage of me
he didn’t listen to me when i said stop
and now i have to live with it for the rest of my life
i want to injure
but i can’t
i don’t know what to do
i need someone to talk to
but i’m all by myself
i don’t know if anyone can help me
i feel so lost
and i just want to cry until theres nothing left in me