I dont know how to start this. I guess everyone’s first blog is awkward. My friend recommended that i blog, so I started one but did not gain any followers. I was nervous about adding myself to this web page, but i guess I feel better knowing that I am apart of something.
I went through a period of time two years ago where I injured (or SIed I guess you call it..). I guess you could say I have relapsed a little. I did it a few months ago, and then did it again last week. I promised God that I wouldnt. I promised myself that I wouldnt. I promised my mom, my sister, my dad, my best friends… everyone that I wouldnt. I told everyone that this wasnt a problem because I really could control myself. I guess you would say Im a lier.
I feel like everyone knows. No one does, I havent told anyone, Ive acted as normal as I usually do. I feel like everyone found out and have thus turned their back on me.. as if saying “we already helped you out once. why cant you just accept your situation and get over yourself?” I feel like I dont deserve love, like I dont deserve to be. I’m hungry for some one to be interested in me, since I have been proved that God isnt interested in me. im not even interested in me. i just lost. and scared because for the first time in my life i cannot fix the problem.
Lately I just cry when I am upset. or if i’m alone, I yell. I used to write poetry. But mainly I just cry. I release my problems to myself. I’m bad at tlaking to other people. I injured last week because I was upset that I didnt cry. and i should have. money has been tight, and my parents announced to me that i will probably have to quit dance. My dancing has been the only thing keeping me sane. i dance hard when im upset. and i have to give it up. and i was mad, and sad, and hurt, and regretful, and i didnt cry. i didnt cry about something that was so important to me.. so i tried something that usually made me cry. i still didnt.
im nervous all the time. i cant talk to anyone. i just want to feel okay again. i dont even care about feeling happy. just okay, that will be perfectly fine.
its the process that will make me stronger, i guess.
You can’t promise anything, as long as you’re recovering. And be truthful to yourself, that’s the most important thing in the entire world. I’m glad you’re here and talking, and If you ever need help all you have to do is ask. Read some of the comments on other posts, I have advice that I can give you but just don’t want to have to repeat it. (sorry if that sounded a little nasty). They’re on almost every post. Your screename is perfectly fitting, because it’s correct. Recovery is a process, that starts with being honest with yourself and those around you. Confronting your parents and friends is hard, but only if you make it. You need to be honest with them–that you’re still injuring, and you want to get better, and you need help. See if they’ll get you a therapist. You can do this.
Welcome, glad you’re here.
<3 rescue
Welcome!
I agree that everyone’s first blog is pretty awkward and leaves you feeling a bit scared. Congratulations for making this step! You are very strong for being able to open up. Getting all the things bottled up inside always helps. I’m sorry you are not feeling well right now. I know you feel undeserving but you DO deserve love and happiness and help. God has not lost interest in you and neither has anyone else. If you ask them for help, they will help you. Even if they have helped you before and it didn’t stick, your family and friends and God love you and will always be there for you. They will help you once, twice, and a thousand times again because they want you to be happy. They love you.
Thank you for your advice. It helps me to know that I’m not alone and I dont have to always explain my feelings. I have surprisingly felt better since I posted this and read your comments.. it gives me something to think about. I’m working on honesty.. but it will take a LOT to feel important.
Thanks for your supportive words, I hope you two are doing well.
<3