I dont know how to start this. I guess everyone’s first blog is awkward. My friend recommended that i blog, so I started one but did not gain any followers. I was nervous about adding myself to this web page, but i guess I feel better knowing that I am apart of something.
I went through a period of time two years ago where I injured (or SIed I guess you call it..). I guess you could say I have relapsed a little. I did it a few months ago, and then did it again last week. I promised God that I wouldnt. I promised myself that I wouldnt. I promised my mom, my sister, my dad, my best friends… everyone that I wouldnt. I told everyone that this wasnt a problem because I really could control myself. I guess you would say Im a lier.
I feel like everyone knows. No one does, I havent told anyone, Ive acted as normal as I usually do. I feel like everyone found out and have thus turned their back on me.. as if saying “we already helped you out once. why cant you just accept your situation and get over yourself?” I feel like I dont deserve love, like I dont deserve to be. I’m hungry for some one to be interested in me, since I have been proved that God isnt interested in me. im not even interested in me. i just lost. and scared because for the first time in my life i cannot fix the problem.
Lately I just cry when I am upset. or if i’m alone, I yell. I used to write poetry. But mainly I just cry. I release my problems to myself. I’m bad at tlaking to other people. I injured last week because I was upset that I didnt cry. and i should have. money has been tight, and my parents announced to me that i will probably have to quit dance. My dancing has been the only thing keeping me sane. i dance hard when im upset. and i have to give it up. and i was mad, and sad, and hurt, and regretful, and i didnt cry. i didnt cry about something that was so important to me.. so i tried something that usually made me cry. i still didnt.
im nervous all the time. i cant talk to anyone. i just want to feel okay again. i dont even care about feeling happy. just okay, that will be perfectly fine.
its the process that will make me stronger, i guess.