My pain, its not that big. It’s quite small actually. I struggled with self injury way longer than necessary. It doesn’t consume my thoughts anymore, but it’s still there, in the back of my mind. People kept telling me, “Oh! I’ll help you!” “You need to see a counseler. I’ll take you.” “Of course I’ll always be here for you.” “If your ever discouraged, give me a call. I’ll make you feel better.” They never helped me… They never intended to. They were just lying. I’m so tired of being lied to.
I decided that I had to help myself since no one else would. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I had known it all along. I wanted help and no one was going to give it to me. I had to find it on my own. I’m better now. I haven’t injured in a while. I don’t get urges very often… Well… Actually…. I have urges ALL the time. Sometimes I’ll feel so much stronger than other times. But sometimes… I feel all is lost and there’s no point in fighting.
I want to give in… So bad! But I’m so scared to. Scared of what I’ll have to go through again like last time, that really was awful and I hated it. But I told people. I was looking for help. This time… If I don’t tell anyone then it won’t be like that this time. It’ll be okay right? No…
Just because I haven’t injured in a while doesn’t mean that I’m okay :/
You’re such a strong person, and of course that’s normal. Just because we are free of a problem doesn’t make our whole lives better. I’ve been okay almost seven months, and my life isn’t all good. I’ve thought about injury repeatedly, especially recently. But I know I don’t need it anymore, and that I have to keep going if I want to survive and be happy. You do too. You have to keep going, and have to keep fighting, because in the end, it’s more than worth it.
We’ll fight together.
<3 rescue
Your totally right. SI was a way to feel better. Stopping means your getting “better” in other peoples eyes. But to you or me who SI its taking that security blanket away. I mean Si isnt good for us. We all know this. Yet, its what we think about. Ive been SI free for 5 months, and there is not a day that goes by where i dont think of it. Your right, we are not better just because we dont SI. If you ever want to talk… iheartwater@hotmail.com. We’re “better” physically, but getting better mentally… now that is the hardest battle.
<3
No one is ever “better”…not even people in recovery. Every day is a fight, every day is a battle. No one ever reaches their full “better”. I’m not even totally better, and it’s been 7 months. Of course I don’t think about it anymore, and it doesn’t by any means control my life, but it doesn’t mean it’s gone away. If it wasn’t part of my life anymore, I wouldn’t be on this website right now. In this fight, there is no such thing as “all better” and no such thing as promises. It’s always going to be there, but it’s not always going to be a part of you. You have to want it away, it takes alot of patience and strength, which we all have. Use your resources. You can do this.
<3 rescue