So I’ve been SI free for almost a year and a half after struggling with it for four horrible years. I have a job, a new place to live away from my parents, and a boyfriend who loves me. So why am I so unhappy? I find myself becoming more and more depressed lately. I keep pushing people away, but I’m terrified of ending up alone. I hold everyone I meet at arms distance so I don’t really have close friends, just people I know… My crazy mood swings are getting really hard to cope with. I’ll start crying uncontrollably for no apparent reason (for some reason I can cry now that I’ve stopped harming myself whereas I couldn’t before).
I should be happy, right? But I’m just not and I don’t know if I can be. I feel like I’m going nowhere, and sometimes I just want to scream and throw something at the walls that hold my sorry excuse of a life together. It’s that caged in feeling of being trapped in my own skin, the one I got right before an episode of SI, except almost 24/7. Is this how everyone feels in the dark secret part of their minds that everyone ignores? Or does growing up mean getting over all your hopes and insecurities and just doing what is expected of you? I feel like a piece of me is dying a little more each day, but I don’t know how to stop it.
I’m just lost…
Hey! I have also stopped injuring and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I was free from it for about a year before it came back. I am free again now and have been for the past 3 months. But used to feel like that all the time too. Sometimes I still do. But, I’ve been trying to make that stop because if I can stop those overwhelming feelings, I can stop the urges to injure. In talking to people about it, I have discovered that I feel that way because when I don’t injure, I don’t know how to deal with my problems. I bottle them up inside. Recently, I have been trying to get all the bad feelings out by journaling or blogging or talking about them. It is very difficult sometimes and hurts a lot to feel all of those things again. But, the more I have opened up and let my feelings out, the less I have felt the things you are describing. I hope this can help you as well. Good luck!
You shouldn’t be afraid to get close to people, especially when you’re struggling like this.
People have been my biggest source of inspiration to stop, and stick with it.
The people I have invited into my life, became friends with and feel in love with, are the people I know I have to be better for.
They understand my soul. And there are people that can do the same for you.
I used to keep people so blocked off from who I really am, and it hurt everday to think that noone knew who I was.
You deserve to feel like you are loved, even liked, for you.
If you don’t show your true self to people, you can never feel that satisfaction.
You’ve made great progress in your healing.
Moving, getting a job, and your boyfriend that loves you should be an amazing stronghold.
It’s hard for everyone not to feel like life is just passing them by sometimes, and there’s nothing they can do about it but be left behind.
But, you have to know that things will get better.
You CAN do what you want, and fullfill any dream that you have.
You just have to work at it, all the time.
It’s never easy but it’s always worth it.
You are a special and important person who deserves a good life.
You can make one for yourself if you truly want.
You have to fill it with good thoughts, and fun activities, and amazing people to share it all with.
I know you can.
(: