So I’ve been SI free for almost a year and a half after struggling with it for four horrible years. I have a job, a new place to live away from my parents, and a boyfriend who loves me. So why am I so unhappy? I find myself becoming more and more depressed lately. I keep pushing people away, but I’m terrified of ending up alone. I hold everyone I meet at arms distance so I don’t really have close friends, just people I know… My crazy mood swings are getting really hard to cope with. I’ll start crying uncontrollably for no apparent reason (for some reason I can cry now that I’ve stopped harming myself whereas I couldn’t before).

I should be happy, right? But I’m just not and I don’t know if I can be. I feel like I’m going nowhere, and sometimes I just want to scream and throw something at the walls that hold my sorry excuse of a life together. It’s that caged in feeling of being trapped in my own skin, the one I got right before an episode of SI, except almost 24/7. Is this how everyone feels in the dark secret part of their minds that everyone ignores? Or does growing up mean getting over all your hopes and insecurities and just doing what is expected of you? I feel like a piece of me is dying a little more each day, but I don’t know how to stop it.

I’m just lost…