I am 15 years old. Ive been SIing for about 4 years. i started when i was 11, and it’s been getting worse now that im in my freshman year. School is takeing it out of me, especially since i go to school early to get in an extra class. I have a feeling that the sleep i don’t get is messing with my mental status. It seems like the SI is getting worse.
I did SI this time because i didn’t know what to do when my friend hurt her ankle when we were at the playground. I felt so helpless not knowing what to do, so even after spending the night at our friend’s house and talking about this kind of thing, i still did it the minute i got home. one of my best friend’s is suicidal (and has the money to recieve help) and her situation is worse than mine, but she’s still lasting out stronger than i am. I feel like a weak friend for being what i have become. i injure, and not always when im sad. I do it because im not sad, which i am used to. ive found all these new habits that make me “happy” which basicly means NOT deathly sad. Im not happy, and i don’t think that these habits are helping.
My friend keeps telling me “you’ll get better. i know it.” i trust her with everything ive ever done, but what if she’s wrong? is it normal for a teenager to be thinking about death almost all the time? and what if this goes too far? these are all questions i ask myself when im on facebok with my best friend, and i never have the courage to ask them to anyone, even her. What’s wrong with me? What’s going to happen to me? Am i really worth all this attention when im not commited to stoping?
I hate not asking these questions because i want to have an answer. asking for love from people makes me stupid, but it’s worth it if i get really better.