Ugh. Why does this always happen?

I haven’t  SI’d myself in about two months, since I last got caught and was grounded for a month because of it.

Now, everything seems to be going downhill. Yet again.

My grades are slipping. Again.

My mother finds the need to yell at me for every little thing. Even if it wasn’t my fault. My two year old sister is completely normal; If she does something, my mother blames me for it.

For example, there was my mothers cell phone, camera, and credit cards on the kitchen table(Along with other junk) Usually the dinner table is cleared off, so there are no accidents with the baby. We were about to sit down to eat dinner, and my sister reached up to the table and dumped a whole glass of iced tea all over the table and the floor. My mom didn’t get mad.

Today though, the same thing happened, but I did it this time, except the glass was less than half full, and it spilled in a little spot on the table. And what happens? I get SCREAMED at for it. I was told to “Grow up!” Then when I walked away, my mother yells out “Go ahead. Go sit in your room. What else is new?” So I yelled back “Why don’t I just leave?!” and she laughed. Yes, I have walked out of my house and “ran away” for 8 hours straight.

Right now, I feel lousy.  I want to take SI myself someone where she’ll see it. I want to let her see what she’s done and then just leave. I don’t feel like dealing with this anymore. She makes me feel lousy all the time, and I’m so sick of it. She really doesn’t understand how it affects me. It’s like she doesn’t know how to speak to me; All she ever does it yell.

Ugh. I don’t want to start again, but this is the only thing I have right now….