That’s how old I am right now. Today, on this day, I turned 18 years old. Last night, around 9:30pm, one of my best friends tried to kill herself. She texted me and said “I love you…. I might not be able to make it to dinner.” She’s done this before, the first thing hat popped into my head, was that she was saying goodbye. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I said that it was cool, I loved her too, but wanted to know why, and that’s when she told me she took a lot of her sleeping meds. It’s a cry for attention. I know this. It’s a selfish thing fr her to do, I know this as well, but I can’ truly fault her for it. I’m angry. I made her laugh and smile earlier yesterday. I had gone through my first day without the urge to injure. I had been doing so well. I had actually taken care of myself, I had laughed.

She called me crying, saying she didn’t get rid of them like she told me she had. My mom took the phone and I was sobbing on the couch. The police were at her house. They hung up on us. She went to the hospital. I didn’t sleep. I blame myself. If I was a better friend, if I hadn’t tried to cnvince her to get rid of them and had just called the ambulance right away, if I had asked her to sleep over last night instead of tonight, if I had done more, if I could go back to two years ago and stop hr from going down the wrong path.

I know logically, it is not my fault. I know logically she made her own decisions. I know logically that I have tried to stop myself for blaming myself. I can’t. She’s like my sister. She’s lived at my house. Why couldn’t sh have called me sooner? I would have answered. I always do.

I ddn’t fall apart last night. I cried for hours, my mom made me sleep on the couch, so she could watch me, my mom watched me cry. My mom told me it would be okay. I didn’t SI, but I wanted to. I did, so badly. I grabbed m zune, and cried more. I talked to my boyfriend, I asked my other friend to pray for her. I cuddled with a teddy bear smothered in my bf’s cologne. I stayed on the couch all night, awake, wishing I had done something more, wishing I could fix this.

She texted me at 3:08am and told me she’d be home in an hour or less. I don’t know what to think about it. They released her? Why? She’s coming over my house, I’m going to go now, to go see her. I’m a mess. I’m just a mess, but I’m strong. I’m scared, but I can do this… I hope.