So, this is my first post here. I feel like I have no one to talk to, no one who understands what I am thinking, feeling or going through. I have been an injurer off and on since I was a senior in High School. I was diagnosed with severe depression the summer after I graduated from college, although I suspect I had been suffering from it since back in high school. In high school I would injure myself in a few ways. I stopped injuring in college – it was difficult to hide with roommates and for the most part college went pretty well for me. I started injuring again after having to move back in with my parents at the age of 24, which is when I was finally diagnosed with depression. I changed careers 4 times in the next few years and continued to live at home. Finally last year, at 32 years old I moved out into my own apartment and got two kittens. I love my cats and in many ways they are my saving grace.
This weekend though I started injuring again. I feel like I am in this hole and it just keeps getting deeper and deeper. Anyone who I talk to about my depression or my feelings just tells me that “it could be worse.” Like I don’t know that!! I have no traumatic event in my past or present that contributed to my depression or SI. I have two loving parents, who are still together and would do anything for me. Sometimes that makes me feel worse. There is nothing I can point to and say that’s why, that’s the reason. I know I could have it worse, I know that there is no reason to feel the way I do or do the things I do to myself. I feel so lost and hopeless – like I am always going to feel this way and I have no right to so I feel guilty that I do. I have no answers. Sometimes I think about just going to sleep and not waking up. About a year ago I took attempted to do just that. Its not that I wanted or want to die, I just want everything to stop. I want to not feel anymore, not think anymore. I feel like happiness is an illusion – that it’s a state of mind that doesn’t really exist for people like me and all I really want is to feel happy.