So I’ve been in this state before.  I can’t feel anything.  I want to SI…  I’ve had dreams where I’ve SIed and like at every little thing I want to SI.  But you know what..?  I don’t seem to care anymore.  I mean I’m not scared like I have been before.

I don’t feel frightened or upset at these thoughts of being:

Nothing, Worthless, Lazy, Burden.

I’m not upset or frightened at the urges to SI…  I just feel nothing…  Nothing at all.

I’ve been struggling with food, and injuring that way.  My family hasn’t noticed.  Or if they have they haven’t said anything about it.  But you know what..?  I don’t care.  It took them months, almost a year, to find out the first time about my SI and food issues.  How long will it take them this time?  Hmm…

Is it wrong of me to think that way?  Am I sick for thinking that SI will help my family?

I’m like a curse on my family…  When I’m happy and doing well everything goes wrong for my family.  When I’m at my lowest their doing wonderfully…  I love them all so much that I’d rather be in this nothingness state forever.  Just to help them.

Am I truly a curse..?  Should I feel this way?  Am I always going to feel like this?!