Its been a long time since I have posted on here but thought I would come back and share a bit.  My name is Sadie and I am a SAFE Alumni from March of 2008.  While I didnt remain SI free after completion of the program I continued to use the tools the program had given me and over the next year finally came to reconcile my problems and obsession.  I am happy to say I have been SI free for just over a year and a few months now.  It hardly ever pervades my thought processes in response to strong emotions anymore.  And any fleeting thought of it is easily dissqualified in my mind as a choice. 
What I’ve come here about today has less to do with SI and more to do with life.  Let me get down to what I’m trying to say.  In 2008 I started seeing someone who was sweet and kind and loving.  I enjoyed him and he enjoyed me and we seemed to be a very good match.  5 months later I became pregnant.  When I became 3 months pregnant he started hurting me.  The first few times he excused it bysaying he was under a lot of stress or not getting enough sleep or feeling rundown and sick.  Typical excuses.  He would hit me and throw me around my room, physically abuse me and walls that later I had to pay to have repaired.  There was a lot of abuse and he’d call me all kinds of vicious mean things.  I started to constantly have bruises which was a little triggering to be in pain constantly.  Everytime it happened i told him i wanted him out and i wasnt going to be treated this way and on and on.  And everytime he would cry to me about how sorry he was and how stupid he is to have done that and how much he loves me and needs me.  And all I could think is why . . . why am i in this situation.  I was pregnant with his child and he was hurting me.  Well after about a month of abuse I told someone about it in tears because I couldnt take it anymore.  It opened up the biggest can of problems bigger than I could have imagined really.  DCYF was called and said he had to stay out of the home until he met their requirments to return.  He did what he had to, went to anger managment and counseling and all that.  They cleared him to come back in May just a few short months later.  At first i wanted him back and thought his classes had helped or something.  But as the days went on it was evident to me that he was still who he was.  No change.  He abused me up until the point I gave birth.  I still remember being in the hospital right after my c-section and i had said something to him that he didnt like so he physically abused me. 

The reason Im writing about this is I havent told anyone in my life about it.  I have 3 children, one of them is his, and two boys from ap revious relationship.  Fortunately they havent seen the extent of it.  He tried to change and seemed to be doing well.  He hadn’t hurt me in at least two or three months.  But just two days ago this week he hurt me and the signs of it are evident. 

I know I shouldnt stay with this person.  He is demeaning, and degrading to me when he is angry.  He calls me all kinds of vile, repulsive and plain rude things for no reason with no basis to his arguments.  I just havent successfully been able to get him to leave my house.  Whenever i try he tells me its his too and he can stay there and flips out even more.  I try to appease him so he doesnt get angry but it doesnt matter what I do im always doing something wrong in his eyes.   emotional abuse sucks and its brought my self esteem down to the point of considering SI again.  But I know i wont because Ive come too far to go back to that.  Now is not the time to appear weak. I went back on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds cause im so high strung and upset all the time about this.  I just blame the weapiness on depression even though i know the real reason.  Im not sure what i was hoping to accomplish from all this . . . but.  i guess thats all for now.  Thanks for listening.

 Ok but wait.  There’s more too it than that.  Im back to edit my post.  I know Im not crazy but he certainly does a good job of making me feel like I am.  He would tell me that he would tell people I caused the bruises if anyone asked.  That it was self injurious behavior.  And because of my past he assumes people will believe that.  He has no internal emotional regulation whatsoever so when he gets mad he gets crazy mad.  He starts to sweat and his pressure rises and thats when i can tell i should stay away.  Thats when he would trap me in my own room or the bathroom or wont let me leave the house.  I can’t stand it anymore and I want out I’m just afraid he’ll do something stupid . . . im very afraid.  And i think he knows that.  So I try to just be cooperative and let things smooth over . . . the only problem is they never smooth over and there’s always another pr0blem. . . .
I mean he isnt as bad as he used to be.  Thats all the stuff he did to me last year from about January to october.  And after the baby was born in july he kept being like this for a few months.  He thinks because most of the physical abuse has stopped that everything is fine now but he doesnt realize what his emotional abuse or the fear and control he has over me is doing.  I feel very very lost . . . . and im struggling to get through each day.