I went to SAFE about two years ago, and one of the things we were taught there was that self-injury kills relationships, far more than it ever can to save them. Well, I’ve pretty much just proved that theory. As if it wasn’t proof enough to lose several of my closest friends over the years and the trust of my closest friends now, I almost lost my boyfriend from relapsing again today.
He was going through his own issues, and I decided to make everything worse for him by hurting myself. It scared me enough to tell him, and I had to fight very hard to keep him from breaking up with me. He said that if I hadn’t told him and he found out later, he probably would have broken up with me. Now our relationship is on thin ice, and I’m terrified of doing anything to ruin it- self-injury is obviously out of the question, but I’m afraid to so much as breathe incorrectly.
The thing is, given the option between keeping self-injury that will never leave me and keeping my boyfriend, whom I am very much in love with but am far too close to pushing away, I’d pick my boyfriend. I just really hope I still have the choice to make.
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. I reality, this is not too long, but it feels like we were made for each other, it feels like we’ve been together forever. I have been Self injuring for 6 years now, and As of this moment, I am 1 month and 2 days clean. Before the last relapse, I was about 2 months clean, and before that I injured daily. He helped me through it all, but I remember feeling exactly the same.
I remember him threatening me. I remember lying about how much, and having him find out later that it was a lot more than what I had said. Truly, if you are commited to getting better, he will help. If he hasnt left you already, than he really must care. Don’t lose hope, because you still have him. Let him know you’re afraid, tell him that you still need him, remind him you truly do love him…. and if you think about it, it is either him or injuring. Let him know that you want to chose him over it. It’s something small but if you are open and honest, it will help.
He can try to comprehend all of the things in your mind a little better.
I just found this blog today and am glad you shared your story. Injuring is such a difficult issue within a relationship. My current boyfriend, who ive been with for 2 years now, is the first I have shared my “problem” with (kinda- a few ex may have seen it but I quickly brushed it off or they really didnt care/notice). He also suffers from depression and anxiety. But this issue is just difficult. I want to go to him when I need someone but feel guilty asking for help or burdening someone else with my pain, which is never anything new just despising myself. When I do it I want to hide it, and feel guilty for keeping something from him (he’s seriously my best friend), but would feel horrible telling him because he always kinda blames himself and that just makes me feel worse for what ive done, burying me deeper into my desire to SI. = it feels good to have a place to vent.
After a long couple of days wondering if we were going to be ok, he finally told me that he doesn’t want to break up with me- at least not now. He did say that if I self-injure again, the relationship will probably end, but that for now, we’re still together.
One thing this taught me, though, is that I definitely want to stop hurting myself- for real, this time. I came far too close to losing him, and I’ve lost too many people before him. I don’t want to lose anyone else from this, too.