That’s my problem. The asking. I never say outright “I need help” I never ask for someone to aid me, I never ask someone to let me lean on them. I shut out the words. They’re weak to me, even though I know how much courage it would take to utter them, and it has occurred to me on more than one occasion that I would be showing a lot of strength if I could admit for once that I might need someone else.
I almost relapsed last night. But I didn’t. He told me he loved me and made me smile. I know I’ve been keeping strong. Six years self injuring, and I’ve been away from it for a month and two days…. it hasn’t been an easy time either. In that month, my mother tore me apart verbally on a daily basis, my eating habits are going crazy, flying between extremes, I had midterms, a lot of papers, tech weekfor drama club, fighting with my boyfriend every day, staying up all night to do homework, and keep the nightmares at bay… my boyfriend cheating on me…
But I stayed sane. I hadn’t injured for 2 months previous my last relapse, but everyday, it feels like it’s getting harder to resist. Every day, I’ve been fading more and more into myself. No one noticed I stopped doing my hair and makeup. No one noticed I stopped dressing nicely. I feel like no one is noticing me slipping back into everything.
So now, I wonder if I really DO need help or not. I haven’t been hurting myself in any of my usual ways… so… why is my boyfriend so scared all the time? Why is my 2 years clean friend worrying over me? Is it just because they think I’m weak?