I have been doing so well for months. Taken my medication like I am supposed to, set goals for myself, and got out of my comfort zone to be more successful in life. I have not had the urge to SI in many months. However, that ended tonight. I have a really strong urge to SI tonight in order to punish myself. I feel like I may not have reacted soon enough, or at all, and it may have hurt someone else that I don’t even know. For that I feel like I need to SI in order to punish myself for my mistake. I don’t know what to do. I am alone tonight and have no one to go to about this. If I call someone and tell them I am afraid they will think I am going back down the destructive path I was on. But that is not the case. I just need to know that I didn’t fail. I need to someone to assure me that I did not intentionally hurt someone else…I never would. I just feel my actions sometimes indirectly hurt others. It is so confusing and I want to stop that confusion and make myself suffer for it. Does that make sense?
I don’t want to SI, but I almost feel like it necessary in order to “right a wrong”. How else am I supposed to handle this? I feel like I am healing and learning a lot in the process, but this whole self-punishment thing keeps creeping back and I don’t know how to handle it and the only way I know how is not healthy. I know that, but nothing else makes me feel better about my “mistakes” like SI does. How do I change that?