I have been doing so well for months. Taken my medication like I am supposed to, set goals for myself, and got out of my comfort zone to be more successful in life. I have not had the urge to SI in many months. However, that ended tonight. I have a really strong urge to SI tonight in order to punish myself. I feel like I may not have reacted soon enough, or at all, and it may have hurt someone else that I don’t even know. For that I feel like I need to SI in order to punish myself for my mistake. I don’t know what to do. I am alone tonight and have no one to go to about this. If I call someone and tell them I am afraid they will think I am going back down the destructive path I was on. But that is not the case. I just need to know that I didn’t fail. I need to someone to assure me that I did not intentionally hurt someone else…I never would. I just feel my actions sometimes indirectly hurt others. It is so confusing and I want to stop that confusion and make myself suffer for it. Does that make sense?
I don’t want to SI, but I almost feel like it necessary in order to “right a wrong”. How else am I supposed to handle this? I feel like I am healing and learning a lot in the process, but this whole self-punishment thing keeps creeping back and I don’t know how to handle it and the only way I know how is not healthy. I know that, but nothing else makes me feel better about my “mistakes” like SI does. How do I change that?
I have a question, and I hope you can think about it. If your best friend or closest friend – someone you love dearly – had done what you say you have done, would they deserve to be punished? Would you advise them that they should injure themself as a way to make things “right”?
This is a question to answer to yourself – what could you/someone you love do wrong enough that you/they would deserve to be injured as punishment?
Just something I hope you’ll think about. It sounds like you’re really struggling and I’m so glad you came to the blog to get some support. Keep reaching out! And take care.
Pam
Maybe, a better way you can make yourself feel as if you’ve put “right a wrong” is to do something, or a chain of somethings that are nice, random acts of kindness for other people you don’t know. Sort of like karma. Put good out, and you’ll fele better, and more good will come back to you.