It seems very difficult for me to make and maintain friendships. When I get close to people, they see that I have issues and then they are mad at me for being unable to talk about it to anyone, especially them. If I do tell them anything, it is too much for them to handle and they freak out on me. Either way, once they find out, the remainder of our friendship is short-lived. It doesn’t matter how close we ever were. I am currently really struggling with this because I am in college. I am far away from family and unconditional love, even though I was never that close to anyone in my family. I would never be able to tell them anything anyway. I feel very lost a lot. I feel hurt by the lack of interaction with others. I just wish I knew someone to be friends with who would not be bothered by these sort of things. Someone who didn’t care whether or not I told them and if they found out, wouldn’t be hurt by it.
Right now, self injury is not even a problem. I haven’t done anything harmful to myself in several months, when I had a bad few weeks. But before that, it had been almost a year since I had done anything.
I’ve been working soooooooooooo hard to fix it, especially recently when a few guys, who were better friends to me than I have ever had, found out. They were pretty demanding that I do all sorts of things to fix it and do so right then. I couldn’t put it off. Their demands were very difficult for me and I struggled much more than I would have at that time had the demands not been present. Now, however, I am much better than I have been since I started this whole self injury thing 7 years ago. I still cannot see anyone like a councilor or anything to talk about it. I tried going to the councilors at my university but they told me they could not handle anything like self injury in their facility and that I would have to go else where and pay out of pocket. I find that very strange because I go to a large, successful, well known school. But instead I have done a bunch of research about self injury and have been able to identify things that cause it and things I do to myself that I don’t even realize I do that make my pain attacks and side effects worse. Since I have identified all these little things and triggers, I have been able to avoid them. I have been able to prevent myself from worsening any upsetting situation. This took me about 2 months to do. One of which, I was away from school for. Unfortunately, 2 months of self developing and 1 month of panicking was too much for my friends and they do not talk to me anymore. I am thankful for them because they have helped me more than anyone ever has before. But it hurts me that I have done so much damage to our friendships that they can no longer exist. I wish I could fix it. Does anyone think this is possible or know how I could do it?