I’ve been reading a lot of the posts out there and everyone on this site seems so helpful and reaches out to other people. I would really love to find someone who is around my age that would be interested in e-mailing and talking about our experiences without judgment. Here’s my story and tell me if you can relate.
I was always a happy girl when I was younger, I was always a little shy, a good student, a perfectionist. I never had a lot of friends and was content just having just a small group of good friends. When I was 15, in 10th grade, I suddenly became depressed. I know some of you may be thinking.. “Suddenly depressed?! No one just SUDDENLY gets depressed without reason.” I completely agree, but honestly nothing traumatic happened to me, i have a wonderful family, good friends, and my life is filled with blessings. When I became depressed I felt so foolish, but mostly I felt GUILTY. I had nothing to complain about, I tried to remind myself that there are so many people in the world worse of than I, but my depression didn’t seem to respond to guilt-trips. My depression became so bad that I would cry and have panic attacks during class, i would run to the bathroom and try to calm myself down before returning. My depression seemed to get better but less than a year later it took a turn for the worse. I had never heard of anyone SIing.. i didn’t even know that it was a common thing for teens to do when they get depressed. I started injuring in ways that were not so bad but it progessively got worse. My parents eventually found out, freaked out, and drove me to UCLA where I spent a week in the Neuropsychiatric Ward. Probably the worst thing for me at that point.. but they didn’t know what else to do with me.
I dont want to bore anyone with my life story so i’m going to make it short. I was able to graduate high school on time, and even get to college. Every year I went through a “bad time”… and occassionally SI’d but then would go a long time without doing so. Now I am 21, I am graduating college in 6 weeks and am ashamed to admit that i started SIing again last week. It was almost 10 months of me not SIing and then the desire was just too strong for me to resist anymore. It frustrates me that even when I dont SI, the thoughts are CONSTANTLY there.
After 5 years of therapy and LOTS of different medications…I am angry and frustrated with my situation. I have an appointment with my therapist this week but the thing is…. IF YOU HAVN”T SI’d THEN YOU DONT KNOW WHAT WE GO THROUGH. When other people hear about self injury they are disgusted, scared, and even confused. While therapists are able to “understand” SI they will never be able to fully relate unless they have been there themselves. I dont care how many books or journal articles you have read, i don’t care if you have a Ph.D. or 10 different Bachelor Degrees… You dont know what it’s like until you have been there.
If anyone is still actually reading this.. i apologize to have written so much. But sometimes when i sit at the computer and begin typing, the words flow out and there is nothing i can do to stop it.
If you around my age, or can relate to my story, or are just someone who is SIing who wants someone to talk to someone without them judging you then please e-mail me. I can’t talk to my parents or my friends because they think that my SIing is a thing of the past. The last thing i want to do is scare/hurt my friends or disappoint my family.
I would love to be able to e-mail or message back and forth with someone to talk about ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. I’m sure you guys understand wanting to talk to your friends about SIing but know they will NEVER understand what you are going through.
You can e-mail me at: firstname.lastname@example.org … or leave your e-mail address as a comment and i will e-mail you back.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.