I really wish I wasn’t here on this site right now- that I could just change already. Be different. It’s been months for me. The urges were even mostly gone. Now it’s the same old struggle and I’m just sick of it. I got really dissociated in therapy at the beginning of the week. I made it home and into my bed where I could just rest and then I started to “know” what I had to do to myself. I’m so scared. That’s not real. I get to choose. I’ve divided myself. I’m half marathon working and half loosing my mind with worry- at what I came so close to doing, at what I still feel in waves has to be done. Part of me thinks I should just get it over with. Part of me knows, no. Then I really need it. I have to calm down. I know what to do. Take a pill and listen to music. It’s important to keep music on. I remember being really happy. I remember feeling great. Ugg. I got so far out the other day that I couldn’t put thoughts together, none the less speak much and the therapist kept asking me questions and it was getting more and more stressful. I’m so ashamed. Then the heavy urges strike. And it feels like they’re never going to leave me alone. There are times when I feel like I can feel some sort of illness in me. I’ve made all good choices so far. Some many urges and I keep putting it off. I’ve made it days. No one even knows what I’m going through. I called the therapist afterward- 3 days ago now. Because I basically walked out on him. He isn’t returning the call and that’s making it all a little worse. I need to smooth this out. But, at the same time, I don’t want to tell him how much is on the line. I want to deal with the life situation, not my mythologizing of it through urges. Big sigh. Going to turn on music now but I am tempted to SI. Turn on music then put that away. I can’t tell you how much I feel like I need it. Like it just has to be done, that’s it’s the truth and everything else is a lie. That pain comes from not doing what I know I have to do, that I shouldn’t struggle. But I’m struggling. I’m sort of in the middle of this long close call. Trying to decide to make it through. It’s hard to make that decision, it’s not what I’m drawn to.