I haven’t si’d in 15 days. I’ve felt like it. But I haven’t. I’ve been feeling better and can be more open about the way I feel about this, but there’s this fear that’s gripping me. Fear that I’ll si again. Which I REALLY don’t want to do. I’m going to see my best friend today… the only person who knows and hasn’t changed the way they think about me. She is the only one who remembers to check but doesn’t CONSTANTLY talk about it. I can’t wait to tell her. I’m smiling right now as I type this. This feeling of getting better. It’s amazing. I truly don’t understand how I came to the solution of self injuring, and the morbid person I’ve been is starting to gross me out. But I think I finally am going to get better. 🙂
Now, all I need is the fear that I’ll start again to go away. Then I’ll know that I am TRULY better.
I keep looking at my scars and feel so much regret. I used to not regret it. Until I told people and realized that I was putting them down. I have felt so much more hopeful this past week. The first week I stopped I was so depressed and cried myself to sleep every night. But now, I have hope, I’ve never felt this feeling of peace before.
You might think this is kind of dumb… But I remember the song Rainbow Veins by Owl City and the words help me, I haven’t since then. 🙂