I was sexually assaulted on Sunday night and I feel like dying. So I SI so I won’t kill myself. My therapist is concerned about my SI because it’s too often. I just feel dead inside and like I’m a walking zombie going through the motions like it’s hard to put one foot in front of the other. I made a safety contract with my therapist and I’ve broken again. I don’t think I can stop. I wanna SI all the time. It calms me down. It my way of being able to feel anything because I feel numb as well as very disassociated. One voice tels me to hurt myself and the weaker voice tells me to get more help and try to get peace back in my life. I mean I can’t even think of anything I’m grateful for. The sexual assault haunts my dreams and my days.  Like I keep reliving what happened to me over and over again. I need help I know, but part of me says I don’t want help. Any suggestions?