How strongly can I express how much I don’t understand this, how it effects me. I really have no clue how I got here. My life wasn’t that bad. Now I’m this morbid person who honestly feels like giving up. I have so little hope of freedom left. I have no clue how much longer I can fight this. Eventually, I feel that I will stop fighting what I am and give into this desire to self abuse until I am satisfied. Which will be never. Growing up in a Christian home and being in the church has made me aware that only God satisfies. But for an unknown reason I cling to this sin, separation from peace, and I won’t let go. I want to accept the truth, which I know will set me free. I want it so badly. But I’m scared. I’ve been held captive by this for so long that I’ve forgotten what its like to decide for myself. This rules me, it owns me. I have to run away from this, literally. By now no one can rescue me from this, unless I take the first step by making my slavery to self abuse known. Slavery is illegal, but it still happens, even today. Its just hidden. I’m ready to fell. I need an escape plan that will make it impossible for my bondage to hunt me down. I’m FURIOUS at this!! I HATE IT!
I wrote this in my journal. Then I read this short blog.
“I will plant my seed of freedom and let it grow. I’ve been doing good since New Years. It feels nice.” – HopeOnFire
Suddenly, I’m encouraged again. But I fear that this encouragement won’t last for long.
I’m ALWAYS scared. Scared to get too happy or hopeful, because soon after I crumble.
I haven’t SI’d in almost 2 weeks. I haven’t even felt the urge to until tonight. I don’t want this anymore. It’s time to kill this demon that’s controlling me with no mercy.
I know exactly how you feel. I was born and raised in a Christian family. Great Christian school and friends. Then, one day it all changed.
A year and a half go by and I’m desperately trying to find that same will power to stop. Well, easier said than done. I am so mad at myself. I keep doing it, even if there is not much of a reasoning behind it. It’s mostly because I’m mad that I’m so weak and unable to find that will power we all desperately seek for.
I’m going to try, though. That same blog by HopeOnFire gave me hope, also. I hate hiding. I hate lying. I hate it all. Don’t do it. You’ll regret it the moment you start. I know that I have the feeling of failure, which makes me even more depressed. And I also know I have that feeling of success the next morning when I overcame the urge.
I know what failure feels like. I feel lke I have let everyone in my life down every time I SI, even though most of them have no clue this is going on with me. I am a great hider and put the “happy face” on most of the time. I know all of the verses, but still have trouble seeing myself as God sees me.
I do the same thing. “Gotta act happy and normal so they don’t suspect a thing!”
I hate it so much.
It’s so crazy how people look at us and think ‘Oh! They’re christians so they’re perfect!’ Its becoming nearly impossible to keep our “happy faces” though because one by one people will crumble and tell their true story. I just wish we weren’t expected to be perfect…
Exactly! I remember when I told my youth group leader after she brought me home from a talk,(my parents thought I was on drugs, which was not true at all), I told her and she said, “I didn’t expect that! You don’t seem like the girl that would do that.”
Oh yeah, I’m a Christian! I guess I should be shunned now because I’m not perfect.
I totally know how you feel too! I guess what I have to say is, trust in God, be willing to stop. I know it’s hard, you get used to turning to the SI, but you have to work through it. In those times you feel an urge, open your bible, or pray to God. It’s about two months since the last time I SIed, and I feel really good. What is mostly helping me through this is talking to God and reading my bible. Also, I have told a few people and they have been helping me as well, encouraging and praying for me. So if that’s possible, try to find someone who you know you can trust and who will encourage you. I’m also here. My email is lo.st.andconfused@hotmail.com. Feel free to email me! I’ll be praying! 🙂 And remember, we’re human! No one is perfect!
linds, I know almost exactly where you’re coming from. Almost. My parents never though I was doing drugs, for that matter anything. They thought I was fine. I told my youth leader when she was bringing me home too. But that didn’t make it better. She wasn’t the right person to tell… I wish I knew that then. You can email me though. emily_shumaner@rocketmail.com
i know how you feel. I am a Jehovah’s Witness. and its hard to seek for help when you’ve been promoting happiness and peace of mind your whole life. it kina makes you feel hypicritical too. but bare through it hun. i know thats easier said then done but its doable with a bit of help and alot of prayer. nobodys perfect. just except it and go forward from there. and im always here too you can email me at xliveEx@yahoo.com